


Chasing the Starlight

by mira_sisko



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager, Supernatural
Genre: Community: deancasbigbang, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-08
Updated: 2013-11-08
Packaged: 2017-12-31 18:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1034705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mira_sisko/pseuds/mira_sisko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"...You are a Starfleet Captain. You put on that uniform and you represent something, Dean. You represent goodness and hope. The very nature of Starfleet cries out for those things. Yet, you still don't believe that you are good. It is illogical to say the least."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chasing the Starlight

_1._  

Lights blinked while rapid fingers swiped over silver consoles. The engines hummed while the warp core ebbed and flowed, keeping the ship steady above a small planet called Zetar. The decks were quiet and the mess hall was empty, save for pots stewing with replicated soup. The officers of the USS Argenteus were worried. The Chief Medical Officer, Castiel, had been sent on an away mission with an ensign. It was a simple mission to collect pollen samples that would have taken an hour, except they had been gone for three hours. Dean paced in his ready room as his second in Command and brother, Sam, leaned back on Dean’s desk and tried to calm him down.

 

“Dean, I’m sure Cas and Samandriel are fine.” Sam said quietly. Dean kept pacing.

 

“I can’t hear him, Sam. You know Cas does that thing - he talks at me with his mind. If he needed help, I would know. What if he’s dead, Sam? What if I can’t hear him cause he’s dead.” Dean fumed and sped up his pace. He was almost running now. 

 

“Look, I know you’re scared, but Ash is doing everything he can to scan the surface of the planet to find them. You know we can’t send any shuttles down because the atmosphere's too dense. Ash doesn’t want to transport anyone else until he finds them. Dean, you need to Captain this ship.” Dean stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face his brother.

 

Dean never thought he was good at much, so it was a pretty big leap when he joined Starfleet at 18, graduated with honors, and became a Captain in record time. Sure, Dean was proud to be a Captain; but there was never a moment when he didn’t second-guess himself.

 

Dean scoffed.

 

“I am.”

 

Sam shook his head.

 

“You’re not. Two officers are missing. If it was anyone but Cas, what would you do?” He paused. Dean crossed his arms. “You would be on that bridge doing everything but worry. We all care about them, we’re all family and I know he’s your best friend,” the word friend hit Dean somewhere in his gut, “but you’re letting your emotions get in the way.” Dean rolled his eyes.

 

For years, the word friend sufficed for Cas, but now? Well, it was a little more complicated than that.

 

At first, Cas seemed a little pretentious and a little out of place. He was older than most of the first year cadets, but Dean felt an inherent need to protect him. Then again, Dean found that much of the time Cas didn't need protecting. He towered over most and talked circles around the younger cadets. Even so, he still was an alien. His father was Vulcan and his mother was Betazoid. He grew up on Betazed, so he didn’t really get humanity and it’s nuances like parties, humor, and pie. So _of course_ , Dean had to teach him.

 

Dean will never forget the look on Cas’s face the first time they went to a real party. Not a Starfleet mandated, dress-uniforms-only party - a real, off campus, alcohol soaked party. Dean will never forget the way Cas refused to leave Dean’s side. Cas explained it away as a safety precaution, claiming that as representatives of Starfleet, they should remain together, just in case any partygoers had ill-intent. Dean was pretty sure that was bullshit and had to refrain from laughing when pure terror flashed across Cas’s face anytime anyone tried to hit on him.

 

Luckily, the guy adapted somewhat and a month into freshman year, Cas was already able to talk at Dean telepathically. Dean couldn’t respond so for sixteen years he was privy to whatever thoughts Cas shared with him. Cas explained the one-way connection as a Betazoid mind trick – one that Dean couldn’t reverse. Dean thought maybe that was bullshit too, but every time he tried to talk back, he failed.

 

Nonetheless, they were inseparable. Dean would get into trouble, and as much as Cas groaned when Dean asked him to tag along on his escapades, Cas obliged. Some of Dean’s best memories come from the Academy. Everything from watching Cas explain away how a couple thousand tribbles made their way into the Campus cafeteria, to staying up late cramming for exams they didn’t study for that week because they were too busy sneaking out and going to any vintage movie theater Dean could find.

 

Yeah, those were good times, but like all things they didn’t last long.

 

 Dean's third year came and Cas got assigned as a field medic on a six-month training mission on Betazed. Dean thought he could handle the ‘seperation’. It _was_ just Cas, it _was_ just fifty light-years away, and it _was_ just six months. Then again, Dean will _also_ never forget the way he felt watching Cas’s shuttle leave, and how drunk he got that night. That’s when Dean called Sam and long story short, convinced him to join Starfleet. Dean still apologizes to Sam about that almost every day, saying it was selfish and stupid, but Sam knew Dean would have _really_ lost it if someone hadn’t kept him company in Cas’s absence.

 

Months later, when Cas returned, a second voice haunted Dean's mind - a whisper. At first, Dean thought it was Cas messing with him, but this voice was different. It was an echo of a familiar but distant voice. The voice repeated one word over and over when Cas was around, but hard as Dean tried, he could never quite hear or make sense of it, and over the years he managed to push it away and ignore it.

 

Dean stared at Sam's stoic face and rolled his eyes.

 

“Letting my emotions get in the way.” He mumbled. “You remember Cas is the Vulcan and not you right, Sam?” Dean said as Sam chuckled and went for the door.

 

“Come on, Dean.”

 

Dean sighed and moved to join his brother when his Comm Badge beeped.

 

“Captain, it’s Ash, we found them.”

 

“Ash, that’s great! Where are they now?” Dean asked.

 

“I beamed them directly to Sick bay. Captain, Samandriel is dead.”

 

Dean let out a breath and looked to Sam.

 

“Dead.” Sam repeated, slowly rolling over the word.

 

“What about Cas?” Dean asked.

 

“He’s with Samandriel, but Dean, he needs you. You had better get down there.” The comm went quiet. Dean nodded.

 

“Right. Sam you have the bridge.”

 

“Aye Captain.” Sam said as Dean entered the turbo lift. Lights moved around him as he spoke.

 

“Deck 5.”

 

Dean had lost officers before, but this was Castiel’s little brother – barely an ensign, assigned to the Argenteus so that Castiel could look after him. Dean picked up his pace and jogged to the sick bay. The door slid open. There was never this much blood in sick bay. Even after battles, sick bay remained clean and grey. Now, blood dripped to the red stained floor. Dean stared at the drips and followed them upwards to find Samandriel on the bio bed. Castiel stood over him with his head down. He was shaking. The two medics were standing on the other side of the bed, waiting for Castiel's order.

 

“You two are excused.” Dean spoke. The medics left, leaving silence in their wake. Dean took tentative steps toward the bio bed and looked at Samandriel's body. His usually blue accented medics uniform was drenched in a soggy red mix of dirt and blood. Dean could see at least 7 broken bones and guessed at internal bleeding. He was gone.

 

“Cas.” Dean whispered. Silence. Dean leaned in closer, hovering over Samandriel.

 

“Castiel.” Dean said, firmer. Cas blinked and looked up. His lips quivered and his midnight blue eyes were pierced with fear.

 

“Hello Dean.” His normally stoic but sweet greeting for Dean, was now barely a stifled whimper. Tears teased the corners of his eyes.

 

“What happened?” Dean asked.

 

“It was me.” Cas said as he lifted his bloody bruised hands, “I killed him.” His breath hitched.“I … all I remember is a voice. I didn’t know who it was at first. But, now I do know. Dean, it was Lucifer.” He finished in a whisper.

 

“Lucifer. What’d he say, Cas?”

 

“He told me to kill. He told me to kill Saman … I couldn’t control myself, I … my hands were acting but I was screaming. I couldn’t stop. He controlled me. Dean, I killed my brother.” Cas nearly collapsed but Dean ran around the bio bed and caught him. Dean dragged him to another bio bed and sat him down.

 

“Dean, I killed him. I did this. Put me in the brig. I can’t be trusted. Please, Dean.” Cas pleaded. Dean gripped Castiel’s arms and shook him a bit.

 

“Cas! Calm down! Look at me. Don’t look at him, look at me.” Dean said. He grabbed Castiel’s chin in his hand.

 

“Look at me. Focus.”

 

Castiel's breath was ragged and wet but he looked Dean dead in the eyes.

 

“Remember who you are. You are Castiel. You are a Vulcan Betazoid genius. You are the Chief Medical officer of this ship and you are my friend. You did not kill your brother. Mind control does not count.” Dean said firmly. Cas took long, still, ragged breaths “Breath Cas, it’s … it’s gonna be okay.”

 

That’s when the tears came. They fell from Castiel’s eyes. He leaned into Dean. He was calmer now - Dean knew that - he wasn’t shaking anymore. Dean pulled Cas to his chest and wrapped his arms around him.

 

“It’s ok Cas, you’re ok.” Dean said quietly. Cas wasn’t much of a hugger (or a crier for that matter), even when it was important, so Dean knew Castiel’s arms would stay slack at his sides as his tears soaked through Dean's uniform. The whisper in Dean's subconscious was there - barely audible, telling him something he probably already knew. He pushed it away again. Cas’ tears had ceased and he slowly leaned back, pausing for just a moment an inch from Dean’s face, before sitting all the way up and wiping his face.

 

Castiel stared at Dean and squinted just a bit. Dean flicked his eyes away for a moment, and he shifted a bit and let his mouth open ever so slightly. Cas felt his heart beat a little harder as he felt his eyes connect the freckles on Dean's face. Cas tugged at his sleeves a bit, not really knowing why. When he felt blood on the sleeves he remembered where they were and who was lying only a few feet away. Cas looked away and hopped off the bio bed. He walked to Samandriel's body and took off his lab coat, tossing it back to the empty bio bed. Dean followed him reminding himself that he has a job to do.

 

“Cas, I’m sorry, but do you know how he controlled you? For the safety of the crew, I gotta know.” 

 

Cas nodded as he glanced over Samandriel’s body.

 

“He’s my brother.” Cas paused, casting a sad glance to Dean. “He is my brother, which means he has telepathic abilities. Starfleet has recently confirmed that he is the new Borg King. He’s gainging power and he has the ability to control others with his mind. We know though, that when Voyager and her crew came home three years ago, they nearly decimated the Borg population. He only has a limited army, so his powers are still developing. He can only control … family members right now. If we stay near this planet, he could control me again.” Cas looked down for a second. Dean touched his badge.

 

“Sam, get us away from this planet, and scan for Borg activity.”

 

“Aye Captain.”

 

Cas looked up with wide eyes.

 

“Dean, he said something else.”

 

“What, Cas?”

 

“He … they want to … assimilate you and your brother. There’s not a Borg in the universe that doesn’t know of you, the Winchesters. He thinks having two Starfleet officers who happen to be brothers, would strengthen his army. He will stop at nothing to get to you, and I believe now he is using me to do it.”

 

“So, what we just stay away from Borg space and we're safe?”

 

“No, Dean, this is his endgame. He believes you both posses something special,” Dean winced at the word, “and he wants it. He will never stop, Dean. Not until he has been … terminated.”

 

“That’s it then.” Dean crossed his arms and continued, “We terminate the son of a bitch.”

* * *

 

_2._

Space, Cas noted, always had a blue tone to it when there was a funeral. The stars burned a little cooler and the space dwelling specks steered clear of the USS Argenteus. The ship was on course back to Starfleet Command where Castiel’s sister would join him in sending Samandriel off in a proper Starfleet funeral. Dean had been following Cas around when he wasn't on duty for the past few days, bothering him about everything. Really though, Dean wanted Cas to feel something other than guilt. Cas had been pretty mellow since his freak out in sick bay - which is common for Cas - but it was the kind of mellow that made Dean and even the rest of the crew wary. Dean really just wanted to see Cas smile again. Not a cheeky little up turn of the lips, but a full ear to ear smile. The last time Cas smiled like that was when he found out he'd be serving on Dean's ship. That was three years ago. Dean still kicks himself for not taking a picture.

 

“I have a guest coming in 10 minutes, Dean. My sister - Anna. Then I have to meet with Bobby to go over the biological components of his newest weapon for our Borg mission – the colt. I will not have time for a ‘cold one’ before we are in range. As the Captain, you really should not be encouraging drinking on the job.” Cas said as he walked to the transporter.

 

“Killjoy. You can’t even enjoy a quick synthehol?” Dean mumbled.

 

“I simply do not have time. I enjoy alcohol. You know better than anyone the effect Romulan Ale has on me.” Cas groaned as he turned a corner.

 

Dean chuckled, thinking back to their senior year in the Academy when Castiel drank enough Romulan ale to start belting Klingon opera wearing nothing but his medic's coat in the middle of the quad.

 

“Now that was funny. The look on Ambassador Spock's face when they detained you - that was priceless. ”

 

“I fail to see the humor in embarrassment.” Cas seethed.

 

“Question, does your sister have those Vulcan ears too?”

 

“Of course she does Dean, genetically she is Betazoid and Vul…”

 

“Does she have your awesome sense of humor?” Dean said, grinning as he fell into stride with Cas. Cas side eyed him for a moment and scoffed.

 

“Very funny Dean. Her humor is better than mine, I suppose.”

 

“Can she use her betazoid mind tricks on people? You know, cruise someone’s noodle?” Cas clenched his jaw and fists just a bit.

 

“No, she can read people with empathic abilities, but … communication outside of the family is something she hasn’t reached yet.”

 

“Yet, Cas. What?” But Cas was picking up his pace. “Is she not as advanced as you?

 

“No, Dean, she has simply not reached that point yet.”

 

“So, why can you talk at me?”

 

Cas stopped abruptly a foot from the transporter room door.

 

“Why are you following me?”

 

“I want to meet her,” Dean said innocently, “Besides you still haven’t answered me. Don’t make me order you.” Cas sighed and entered the transporter room. He gave a nod to the man at the computer. The pair stood at the pads waiting for the communiqué from Starfleet.

 

“I’m not going to answer that question even if you ordered me. The Human language is limited in explaining the answer. You would not understand it.”

 

“Ouch, Cas.” Dean said clutching his chest and pouting. Cas rolled his eyes but a faint smile rested on his lips. Dean smiled just looking at it. It was a small victory … a very small victory, but it was one that Dean would cherish for a while.

 

“I apologize.” Cas said. A voice came from the computer notifying the crew that Anna was ready. In a moment, the pads lit up and a woman materialized in front of them. She was thin, but strong. She had warm red hair and dark blue eyes. She had a regal quality about her that Dean couldn’t quite place. She stepped off the pad and took a few steps toward Cas. She wrapped her arms delicately around Castiel's shoulders. They stayed like that for a moment, communicating telepathically. She took a step back and let her hand rest on Castiel's shoulder. The pair nodded at each other as Dean looked on. Finally Castiel spoke.

 

“Anna, this is Captain Dean Winchester.” Anna turned her attention to Dean and squinted ever so slightly at him.

 

“Anna, I wish the circumstances were better, but it’s a pleasure to meet you. I'm very sorry for your loss.” Dean said.

 

“Captain.” She said shifting her gaze between the two men, as if measuring the distance between them. Cas huffed as more unspoken words were traded between them. Dean waited in the silence trying to pick up nuances. Moments passed and Anna spoke.

 

“I would like a tour of the ship. A little distraction before the funeral rites would be pleasant. Would either of you mind showing me around?”

 

Cas spoke.

 

“I have an appointment with Chief Engineer Singer that I cannot cancel. Captain, would you please show my sister around.”

 

“Of course Cas! I’d love to.” Dean said tilting his head, smiling and offering Anna an arm. Cas glared at Dean. He didn’t need telepathy to tell Dean to cool it.

 

“I will join you in the mess hall for lunch, Anna, we can discuss the details of the funeral then.” Cas said. Anna nodded and smiled at him. More silence rang between them and Dean craned his neck ever so slightly trying to hear what couldn’t be heard. Cas left the transporter room. Dean turned his attention back to Anna.

 

“Shall we.” Dean led her out and they walked the halls of the ship. Anna was the one to break the monotony first.

 

"Captain. My brother - Castiel. Although I can speak with him telepathically, I can't truly sense what he's feeling because he's hidden that away. I ask you because you’re his closest friend and you were there. How is he?"

 

"Cas? Well he's you know. He was on the edge there for a minute, when they first beamed back. But I uh … we got him back. He's been, well, himself since then."

 

"I guessed he would be. He was the same when our parents passed."

 

"If you don't mind me asking, what happened to them?" Dean asked.

 

"They died natural deaths. Old age. My father was almost 180 years old. That's old for a Vulcan. When he passed, my mother passed soon after that. I don't think she could be without him for any longer. I believe that was a year before Castiel and Samandriel were assigned to this ship.”

 

"Yeah, I remember him going back to Betazed for that, but he never talked about it."

 

"I don't think he ever would. He's not as emotionally inclined as the rest of my family. He's a lot like my father. Especially when he was a child."

 

“What was he like, as a child?” Dean looked down letting his eyelids droop. Dean being sheepish, now that's something his crew would never let him live down, so he held his head back up and stared forward as he listened to Anna.

 

“He had this way about him, this … mournful innocence. Almost as if his soul was eons older than he was. The knowledge of the universe in a small boy. That was Cas. But, you know that changed when he went off to Starfleet. When he left he was the same, silent, little boy that I watched over. When he came back home from that mission his senior year, he was different. His soul was the same, but he was brighter, warmer. It was like he was almost content to know the universe, like maybe the universe had given him something back in exchange for his devastating burden. Something worth suffering for. Even now, when he has suffered through seeing his youngest sibling die, he is alright now.” Anna looked at Dean and tilted her head a bit. “And I think I now know why.”

 

Dean stammered grasping for an answer. There it was again, the voice in his head, prodding him. What could Cas possibly have that would make him better.

 

“What do you m … ” Dean hadn’t realized, but they had walked the entire ship and ended up right at the mess hall, and he could see Cas sitting inside waiting. It must’ve been an hour.

 

“I must be getting to my brother.” Anna said as she nodded to Dean and went through the doors. Dean stayed planted in his place, peering into the mess hall again. He watched as Anna reached the stainless steel table and was greeted by Cas. Dean’s heart sped up just a bit. The siblings sat and glanced at each other every few seconds barely emoting. A word escaped Anna’s lips. No, not a word; a name, ‘Dean’.

 

Dean was sure of it. She said his name. Cas stared at her with a mix of apprehension and embarrassment. He sighed and glanced around him and looked down a bit.

 

Dean’s comm badge beeped to life.

 

“Captain, I need you in the torpedo bay. I need your security codes for the send off.” Ash said.

 

“Yeah I’ll be there in a sec, Ash.” Dean stayed for a moment longer as a small smile spread slowly on Cas’ face. It was a simple smile, not spread ear to ear, but it was one that Cas could manage. Sweet and unassuming. Dean stared a moment longer wondering how his name could bring that out of Cas. But there he sat, looking sheepish, like Dean had looked only minutes before. Dean felt his breath pick up and his mouth run dry. He let out a breath and pulled on his uniform before returning to his duties.

* * *

_3._  

The shy smile that had graced Castiel's face a few days before was long gone, and had been replaced with a frown and a furrowed brow. The ship still hovered over Starfleet Command waiting for the last of the crew to return from the short shore leave. Dean sat in his chair as Castiel looked out the window in Dean’s ready room. Dean leaned back and watched as Cas tilted his head. Cas’s eyes trailed down the glass until he was staring at the floor. He glanced to Dean and stared back out the window. Dean sighed and spoke.

 

“You came all this way from sick bay to discuss hyposprays? And you didn’t even take the extra shore leave I gave the rest of the crew after the funeral. Cas, what’s going on? If it’s still about Samandriel, it’s okay. The funeral was only a few days ago. It's ok to feel sad. Talk to me…”

 

“It’s not about that. Not fully, anyway.”

 

“Well then. Spit it out, Cas. And sit down, you’re giving me the creeps just standing there like that.” Cas rolled his eyes and took a seat across from Dean. Cas looked at his hands as he fiddled with his sleeves. He sighed and spoke.

 

“I believe I should be relieved of duty temporarilly.” Dean stared at Cas.

 

“On what grounds?”

 

“I am … I have been compromised by Lucifer and my own emotions. You witnessed in sick bay the effect that he has on me. I tried to gain control back on the planet with Samandriel, but I failed to break the connection until it was too late. If my control wavers, he could gain full control of me again. If you are still bent on facing him, I cannot be trusted. I should stay here on Earth until you return.”

 

“Cas, I can’t let you do that. I need you on this Borg mission. I need your link to Lucifer, to locate him. I can't do this without you.” _I_ _need_ _you_ \- If he could say those words without attaching a job to them, maybe Cas would listen. Cas finally looked up and leaned forward, pleading.

 

“If I go near him, I may kill again.”

 

“Then we cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now, I need you with me on this. Aren’t there ways that we can head him off in your noggin?”

 

“The only foreseeable option would be for me to mind meld with someone. It would keep me grounded enough to fight him off.”

 

“Alright, find a meld buddy. When the time comes, you’ll be okay.” Dean forced a smile.

 

“You really think you can promise that? I’m a doctor, Dean, not a miracle worker. But, if you want me to do this, I will.” Cas said, standing and turning to exit.

 

“Cas.” Dean stood, stepping around his desk.

 

“No, Dean. It’s alright. You are my Captain and I will follow your orders as I always have. However, I feel the need to remind you that I am also your friend, not your weapon.”

 

“Cas, that’s not how this is. You know that.”

 

“Really? _Captain?_ From where I’m standing? You would relieve me of duty if it weren’t for my connection to Lucifer.”

 

“Cas, please. You aren’t a weapon to me. I need you on this mission because like you said, you’re my closest friend. I mean, I’m doing this for you and Samandriel. For what he did to you.”

 

“Remember that when I’m under his control and murdering half the ship, because you wouldn’t let me leave. This isn’t about me, Dean, this is about the safety of the crew. I don’t care if I go insane, but if I hurt someone I care about again.” Cas shook his head and took a deep breath. He averted Dean’s gaze as he turned back to the door and stopped just a foot shy of it and looked back to Dean. Cas spoke, again, but it was cool and even - the voice Cas reserved for Starfleet Admirals. “I will be in my quarters meditating if anyone requires my assistance.”

 

Dean was left alone, standing in the middle of his office. Dean let his head roll back as he sighed. He hated when Cas used that voice on him. He knew it meant the worst - that Cas wouldn't be speaking to him for at least three days unless it was of a professional capacity. Dean hated it even more, because Cas wouldn't even talk to him telepathically for at least a couple weeks. Cas treated it like a privilege but Dean had become so accustomed to hearing thoughts from Castiel on a daily basis, that he knew he would have to make up for it by downing a bottle of Vulcan brandy once the ship was out of Starfleet hailing range.

 

He sat back down at his desk and let his head rest on the cool metal of his desktop, relieving just a hint of the stress. The small garbled whisper in Dean's head pierced through his thoughts. It was still unintelligible, but it was strong, like a fire, engulfing and almost punishing Dean. Dean reached up to his temples in an attempt to quell the fire. This happened every time he and Cas fought. Slowly, he took deep breaths and fought to push the whisper away. A beep from Dean's badge pulled him back to reality and forced the whipser back. Dean touched his badge. Communications officer Kevin Tran spoke, filling Dean's ready room for a short moment.

 

“Captain, there's an incoming message for you from Admiral Winchester. He wants you to see him at Starfleet Command when you have a moment.” _Great,_ Dean thought.

 

“Got it Kevin. Send a communique out that I'd like for the crew to be back by the time I return.” Dean replied.

 

"Aye, Captian." The comm went silent. Dean stood and pulled his normally rolled up sleeves down on his way out to the bridge. He noted the slight wrinkle and knew hewould have to make a pit stop at his quarters to change into a fresh uniform. Dean stepped out and took short steps to Sam who stood from the Captain’s chair.

 

"Captian." Sam said, nodding and waiting for Dean to take his place.

 

"Dad wants to see me." Dean said, putting a hand up.

 

"Uh oh." Sam said, sitting back down. Dean raised his eyebrows and moved to take the turbo lift.

 

"I'll be back soon, I hope." Dean felt his back stiffen and his hands started to sweat.

 

The last time Dean had seen his father, their meeting had started as a conversation about duty and responsibility and ended when John had landed a blow that broke Dean's nose. That was 11 years ago when Dean graduated from Starfleet Academy.

 

Dean made his way to the transporter room after stopping at his quarters to change and shave. Dean soon found himself being transported back to Starfleet Headquarters. He greeted old professors and made his way to Admiral Winchester's office. He stood in front of the sliding door and pulled at his uniform, and ran a hand through his hair.

 

The nerves built up as Dean reached up to a button next to the sliding door. He pressed the button and heard his father's voice.

 

"Enter." The door slid open and Dean stepped inside. The room was long and grey with a desk at the end, and two chairs in front of it. Admiral John Winchester sat reading a pad and didn't bother to look up. Dean walked the 10 feet to stand in front of the desk, feeling himself shrink and start to feel like an ensign again.

 

"Admiral." Dean said.

 

"Captain, sit." John said, never looking away from the pad in his hands. Dean followed the order and let his eyes fix on the sharp corner of John's desk. John took another few minutes and finally looked at his son.

 

"That stubble goes great with that wrinkled uniform, Captain. You know I expect better from you."

 

"Yes, sir." Dean said, a gut response.

 

"I have a mission for you. I've tracked down a Romulan ship that needs to be taken out." Dean looked up at his father.

 

“All due respect, Admiral, but I thought the Romulans were a neutral party now. Ever since the Dominion War …”

 

“Well, these ones aren’t. They’re a rebel group. This is their ship.” John handed the pad to Dean. On it was the layout of a large Romulan Warbird, with the name Auroto below it.

 

“The _Auroto._ I know that name, why do I know that name.” Dean half mumbled.

 

“It’s the same ship that attacked us thirty years ago.” John paused. “Their last known coordinates are near a planet called Mab-bu. It's about twenty light-years from here." John squinted at Dean as he averted his eyes and stared at the pad.

 

"I have a mission already. I cleared it with Admiral Turner. I have intel on the Borg King Lucifer. My Chief Medical Officer is his brother. He can communicate with him telepathically. That's how Ensign Samandriel died. Lucifer controlled Castiel in order to kill him. He's responsible for Samandriel's death."

 

"This is a direct order, Dean." John said folding his hands on his desk.

 

“Permission to speak freely, sir.” Dean said. John huffed and leaned back in his chair.

 

“Permission granted.”

 

“Dad.” John’s eyes shot up at Dean. Dean sighed, “ _Admiral_ , this mission is a waste of time. This...”

 

“Is a mission assigned to you, by me. Which means you either get back on that ship and catch these Romulans, or I’ll reduce you to an ensign and your first job will be to clean every inch of my office with a micro-resonator. You can’t handle the Borg.”

 

“No one else in Starfleet can either, Admiral. Our attempts to deal with them have been hail-mary plays. We barely get out alive. I have the only link to bring Lucifer down.”

 

“That half-breed doctor.” It took every ounce of Starfleet brand restraint to not knock John out right then and there.

 

“Why do you always call him that? He’s a respected Starfleet officer and he has a name.” Dean said, trying to remain calm. Losing his cool again could result in more than just a broken nose.

 

“I know that, and I also know that he’s a soft spot for you. Always has been, ever since you two met at orientation. You have to be strong, Dean, and I know you can be. But he makes you weak, Dean. He also makes you blind. You think the Borg are the only thing out there threatening Federation Space? No, but you want to fight them because his brother was killed in the line of duty.”

 

“I want to fight them because they want to assimilate me and Sam. They won’t stop, Dad. Not until they’re dead. Besides, you just want me to go hunt down the Romulans, because of mom.”

 

“Don’t start with that.” John said shaking his head.

 

“Dad, I can stop the Borg once and for all. Their queen died when Voyager came home. These are the last Borg in this quadrant. They’re weak, I can do this.” John stood and leaned over the desk.

 

“Dean, this is not your problem to fix.” John took a few steps around the desk till he was directly in front of Dean. “I don't want to have to demote you.” Dean stood slowly and nodded, not looking at his father. Dean turned to leave, but John grabbed his arm. He pulled Dean back until he was toe to toe with him and tightened his grip. He spoke in a lower voice. “This is your job, _Captain_. You follow orders. Youdo it right. You don’t make mistakes. _Not again._ Do I make myself clear?”

 

“Yes sir.” Dean said, still not looking at his father. He turned again to leave and was just at the door when John spoke again.

 

“Don’t set a foot back on Earth unless you’ve completed the mission and comb your hair.” Dean stepped out of the office and made his way to the transporter, knowing he would now be downing _two_ bottles of Vulcan brandy.

 

* * *

 

 _4._  

The conference room was usually empty, given that the senior staff of the USS Argenteus never really liked sitting in a small room arguing about their next move. They preferred their battle stations to the tall red chairs and the thin aluminum oval table. Nevertheless, Dean had called a meeting to give the new orders. Dean sat at the head of the long table and tried his best not to watch Castiel on the opposite end of the table. Dean explained their new mission – changing course, finding the Romulan rebels and taking them out - effectively abandoning their old mission. Needless to say, his crew didn't like it.

 

"Captian, we have to go after the Borg. We can't just let them go free!" Chief Tactical Officer Henricksen said.

 

"Victor, believe me, I know. But, we have our orders." Dean replied.

 

"The Romulans are puppies now compared to the Borg. We have no business going after them.” Chief Engineer Singer blustered. “Besides, I've been slaving over the colt for ages now, I even modified it with a rotating firing frequency, specifically to take the Borg down."

 

"I know, you all have worked your asses off, but this is direct."

 

"What idiot ordered that?" Bobby asked crossing his arms. Sam spoke up, noticing his brother's apprehension.

 

"Admiral Winchester. He says they're dangerous, right Dean?"

 

Dean nodded, not looking at his crew. The room fell silent and the crew tried their best to not stare at Dean. It was no secret how John treated him.

 

Ellen, Chief of Security, spoke breaking the silence.

 

"Well, what's the ship complement, who are we dealing with here?"

 

Sam went to the comm panel and brought up a schematic and crew list for the ship. It was small, but powerful. Although it had been a formidable opponent when John went up against it, now with Starfleet advances, it would be a short battle, and everyone at the proverbial round table knew it.

 

"Seriously, that's who we’re up against?" Bobby asked.

 

Charlie, the Chief Operations Officer spoke.

 

"Why exactly were we even put on this mission? Bobby's right, we're almost too prepared for this. Why not send a smaller ship to deal with this. I mean, what gives?" 

 

Dean looked down, not wanting to answer. John had made sure no one but Dean knew what happened thirty years ago.

 

 The admiral had hidden the specifics in layer upon layer of Starfleet favors. Even Sam didn't know what happened, just the ship name and the basics. Dean was going to come up with a random answer when Castiel spoke from the far end of the room. He had been staring out the window until now.

 

"The crew of that Romulan ship are responsible for the death of Commander Mary Winchester. 30 years ago they attacked the USS Durus and the crew. Our Captain and First Officer were children aboard that ship." Dean stared at Cas. He felt rage and fear start to boil in him.

 

"How do you know that? " Dean said in a low voice.

 

"Ship’s files. The name of the ship was well hidden, but it is the duty of the Chief Medical officer to know family history. This is yours." Castiel said simply. Another moment of silence and stares passed. Dean spoke again, never looking away from Castiel.

 

"You all are dismissed. Ellen, have Garth set a course for the ship’s last known coordinates." The officers stood to leave but Dean caught Sam by the arm and looked at Cas.

 

"You two, stay. Ellen you have the bridge."

 

"Aye Captain." The crew filed out and Cas remained seated at the far end of the table.

 

"Cas, would you like to join us in this quadrant?" Dean asked in a low growl. Cas squinted his eyes and his jaw went stiff. He stood and walked to the brothers as Dean spoke again. "You wanna tell me why you were digging through our files like that? My father sealed all that crap years ago."

 

"As I said before, as your doctor I must know all there is to know about everyone in my charge."

 

"Yeah, right. Well thanks for sharing that classified information with the rest of the class." Dean said crossing his arms. Cas took a step towards Dean, and his features softened a bit. Anger still shined through his eyes, but the anger was cut with concern and something Dean couldn't place.

 

"How was she killed, Dean?" Castiel asked.

 

"I am _not_ answering that." Dean said.

 

"Dean, please."

 

"No."

 

“The Admiral is obviously sending you on this mission for a reason. He wouldn't pull you from another mission if it wasn't for a personal reason. Is it for revenge? If it is I must object."

 

"Isn't the Borg mission basically the same thing?" Dean said, sounding too much like his father. Sam stepped in and spoke.

 

"The Romulans aren't a threat right now, Dean, the Borg are. It doesn't make sense for Dad to send us like this." Dean glared at Sam until Sam stepped back.

 

"There has to be a reason he's sending you. What happened?" Cas asked, more urgent this time; the anger melting away.

 

“It’s not important, Cas, just friggin drop it.” Dean seethed, turning to exit. Cas grabbed his shoulder and pulled Dean back around.

 

“You are avoiding a simple question. The human memory is sketchy at best, but I know you remember this.”

 

“Why Cas, using your stupid mind tricks to get at me? Reach in there and pluck out whatever you want, you telepathic bastard!” Dean was yelling now, surely loudenough for the bridge crew to hear.

 

“Dean!” Sam begged. Cas was silent but he stood firm. He started speaking, low and quiet.

 

“I made a promise to myself years ago, that I would never read the minds of those around me. You and I have our disagreements as recent events have shown, but I share my thoughts with you, nonetheless. I’ve never read a thought from anyone on this ship.” He finished. Silence floated between bulkheads as Castiel made his way to the door. He stopped as his shoulder brushed against Dean’s.

 

“I thought you of all people would know I’d never purposefully betray someone’s trust. That is the last thing I would do. All I wanted was the honest truth. It could save this crew and that should be your first priority.” Cas looked him dead in the eye, turned and left. The anger that had been there for the past few days had dissipated. In its place was heartbreak.

 

Dean waited until the door slid shut and took slow steps to the table. He rested his hands on the cool metal and in an instant slammed his fists into it, leaving a slight dent in the thin alluminum.

 

“God dammit Cas!” He growled. He rested his hands on his hips, not bothering to check if he had injured himself.

 

“Dean, there’s no reason to be mad at Cas, he has a right to those files and he was just aski-”

 

“I’m not mad at Cas, You don't even know what happened on the Durus.” Dean huffed and ran a hand over his face trying to head off the inevitable migraine that was coming his way.

 

"How can you remember, you were four years old Dean." Sam said.

 

“Doesn't matter. Anyway, Cas … He’s right.” He mumbled. Sam sighed and chuckled ever so slightly. “What the hell is so funny, Sam?”

 

“Nothing, Dean.” Dean stared at Sam for a moment before standing and walking to the door.

 

“Where are you going?” Sam asked. Dean sighed and turned back.

 

“Guess, Sam. Make sure the rest of the crew is briefed on our mission. Have Charlie run the necessary diagnostics to be battle ready by the time we reach the planet. You’ve got the bridge. I’ll be back when I’m back.”

 

“Aye, Captain.” Sam said, still holding back a smile.

 

“You know Sammy, a little less sarcasm next time. That’s an order.” Dean left before Sam could respond and was in the turbolift before anyone questioned him.

 

“Computer, locate Commander Castiel.” He said in a defeated voice.

 

“Commander Castiel is in the Astrometrics Lab.”

 

“Deck 7 then.” Dean waited as the turbo lift lowered him. Dean had avoided this discussion over the years. Whenever Castiel asked about his mother, he'd say she died on duty and that was it. Nothing else. It wasn't a lie - she did die on duty. But the circumstances? Dean couldn't face them. He couldn't face the blame that both he and his father put on him.

 

Dean stood at the sliding door and held his breath as he stepped through. Castiel stood in the middle of the large vaulted room. The gigantic screen in front of him displayed the Neutral Zone and their route for the mission. The blue green display cast a cool light on Cas. From where Dean was standing, he was glowing. The sliding door slid shut and Cas turned his head a bit, barely enough to see Dean. Cas pressed a button that zoomed in on the Argenteus's current position.

 

"Garth and Charlie are charting a course. At warp 8, It will take us five days to prepare for and reach the Auruto's last known location." Cas said, never looking away from the screen. Dean walked slowly forward and joined Cas at the console.

 

"That's good." Dean said, training his eyes on the screen, feeling Castiel's eyes fixed on him.

 

"Dean." Cas said. Dean glanced to Cas. Silence hung in the small space between the two men. Cas continued staring, waiting. Dean had no choice. He ran a hand over his face and sighed. He clenched his eyes shut, bracing himself for the emotions that were surely going to flood his way.

 

"It … it was my fault." Dean whispered. Cas tilted his head.

 

“What was?”

 

“You're really gonna make me talk about this, huh." Dean asked, forcing a chuckle. Cas raised his eyebrows. Dean huffed and leaned on the console.

 

"I'm not going to make you do anything Dean. However, you know this information is crucial." Cas said. Dean sighed and closed his eyes again.

 

"She died because of me." Dean said, as he looked up to stare at the large screen. Cas shook his head and touched a few buttons on the console, shutting down the screen, leaving it blank. No distractions. Cas turned back to Dean and crossed his arms. Dean hung his head and rubbed a hand across his neck. He turned around and leaned back on the console.

 

"She was Chief Tactical Officer. My dad was the Captain. Sammy had just been born, but my mom was on her feet and back on light-duty after a month. The Auroto it, uh … it came out of nowhere. It took out a warp nacelle. Engines were down. There were breeches all over the place. All the kids on the ship were taken to daycare. I was scared. I mean, I was four and it was my first time in a real battle, I had no clue what was happening. I was antsy so I climbed into a Jeffries tube and started crawling. I got lost. The Romulans were threatening to take the ship, board it, and kill everyone on it. I guess the nurse who was watching the kids noticed I was gone   and panicked. She contacted the bridge. My Dad wouldn’t leave his post and he wouldn’t back down form the Romulans. So my mom left her post to look for me. I made my way back to daycare on my own. But by then, the Romulans had beamed aboard the ship. My mom, she got shot by one of em’. She died alone. If I hadn’t wandered off, she’d be alive.” Dean tried to not look at Cas.

 

“Dean. That is not your burden to carry.”

 

“No, I should have known better.”

 

“You were a _child._ ” Cas said.

 

“Cas, that doesn't change anything. It doesn’t matter if I was just a kid, I made a mistake that I can't fix. It's my fault. She's dead and she's never coming back. Sometimes I just … I wish I could trade places with her.” He regretted it as soon as it left his mouth.

 

Dean had always felt like this, like his life was a gift given to the wrong person. Admitting that to anyone would be ludicrous. He could feel the pair of blue eyes on him. He turned his head and saw Castiel staring at him.

 

“What?” Dean asked.

 

“You shouldn’t speak like that.” Cas said shaking his head slowly.

 

"Why not?"

 

"You really think you should take her place?" Cas said, furrowing his brow.

 

"My dad’s blamed me for this for years. I tried so hard to be a good son, but he still holds this over my head. When he gets a few drinks in him he’ll ramble about it for hours. He’d say things like,‘Mary would be an admiral by now ’. She deserves life more than I do. I’m just a cadet with a few extra pips." Dean said looking down at his hands.

 

"You're not just anything, Dean. You're the Captain of a starship. You deserve much more."

 

"How do you know that, huh? My father's known me my whole life. He knows what I am. I am responsible for the death of his wife. I started out a failure, Cas. I have to fix this mistake. I have to. " Dean said. A silence filled the large room for at least a minute before Castiel spoke again.

 

"Are you an imbecile?" Cas asked squinting his eyes.

 

"Cas, what?" Dean said more caught off guard than anything.

 

"Are you an imbecile? It's a simple yes or no query. I know the answer, it's no. You're not. I’ve known you for sixteen years Dean. I think I know a little bit about who you are and who you aren’t. You don't think you deserve forgiveness, yet you put you're life on the line everyday for people you don't know. You have a crew that is loyal to you, and it's not just because you have those pips that you so clearly earned. It's because of who you are, Dean. You are righteous; you lead your crew with compassion and a thirst for justice. People care about you a _very_ great deal. You are a good person. You can deny it and say that you're worthless but I know at least a solar systems worth of life-forms who think otherwise. Forget what your father says. You are a Starfleet Captain. You put on that uniform and you represent something, Dean. You represent goodness and hope. The very nature of Starfleet cries out for those things. Yet, you still don't believe that you are good. It is illogical to say the least."

 

Cas stared at Dean a moment longer. He turned back to the console and hit a few buttons, bringing up the route again. Dean stood there, frozen. He felt his heart clench up and the whipser in his head echo and rattle around his head. Cas punched a few more buttons that brought up the schematic of the Auruto. He looked back to Dean who was still bracing himself on the console.

 

"I'm the last person who wants you to face this proverbial demon because I know how damaging it will be both physically and mentally. Personally, I would rather turn around and give Admiral Winchester a piece of my mind, but an order is an order. However, I feel the need to remind you that you don't have to kill someone else to prove your worth. Either way, I can accompany you on the bridge when we engage the Auruto, if you need me." Cas said, a little hope prickling his voice. Dean nodded.

 

"Yeah … that'd be great, Cas." Dean said, looking away from those blue eyes. Cas titled his head a bit and a small sweet smile spread on his face.

 

"I must be returning to sick bay to prepare for the battle. Please, Dean, get some rest before we arrive at our destination." Cas said. He took a step closer and placed a hand on Dean's shoulder. He spoke again.

 

"Do you understand what I've said?" _No._ Dean thought. _Cas is always right but he can't be about this. No way. 30 years of feeling lower than shit can't be replaced by a pep talk from an alien. No friggin way_. _Right?_

 

So, Dean lied.

 

"Yeah, Cas, I get it." He said never looking Cas straight in the eyes. Cas squinted just a bit and let his hand slide slowly down the length of Deans arm, something he didn't realize until his hand felt warm from the friction of Dean's uniform. This heat was felt by Dean as well, like Cas had branded him, leaving a mark behind. Dean wanted to recoil from the heat, recoil from feeling this damn naked. Cas turned and went for the door and stopped a few feet in front of it. Dean expected to hear Cas say something but he heard Cas voice in his own head instead.

_"Please do get some rest, Dean."_ Cas looked back at Dean. _Telepathy, man._ Dean mused, glad that he was in Cas's good graces again.

 

"I will Cas. Don't you worry bout' me." Dean said nodding his head and forcing a smile that pulled at his eyes. It was apparently convincing enough for Castiel to leave, or maybe he knew Dean needed to be alone, needed to think, whether he was horizontal or not. Maybe Cas wanted to stop arguing. Maybe Cas just wanted to see Dean smile. Maybe, Dean wanted the same.

 

He watched Cas walk away and held back the fact that he hadn't had a good nights sleep in a long time. The word 'Nightmare' doesn't even begin to describe what happened when Dean tried to fall asleep. Usually it was his mother or Sam dying in some gruesome tragic twist of fate that Dean blamed himself for, but lately, Castiel had taken their places. Without thinking, Dean reached his hand up to where Cas' hand was minutes before. The lingering ghost of Castiel's touch was hot on his hand. He let out a low laugh realizing how ridiculous he might look, and let his hands rest at his sides. Dean turned back to the console and punched a few buttons, turning off the screen and dimming the lights. He closed his eyes and let his head hang low, something he did a lot of lately. He let the darkness wash over him, relishing the closest thing he'd get to sleep anytime soon.

* * *

 

_5._

"Well, it should be right there, Capn. These are its last known coordinates." Chief Navigator Fitz said, scanning the empty space around the ship.

 

Dean sat on the edge of the captain's chair, with Sam peering at him from his right, and Cas standing somewhere behind his left shoulder. He could feel the doubt floating in the air. It was ludicrous.

 

Dean had received additional orders that morning from his father saying that he was to take out the man who killed Mary - a man named Ejiul Neral who was beamed back off the Durus once the Auroto decided to retreat. Search and destroy. Ignore other targets. A life for a life. Dean had yet to share this new order with anyone, including Cas. Dean knew the orders were a pile of bull but something in him tugged him forward. Dean finally spoke.

 

"They must've landed. Admiral Winchester left them engineless. They can't be far. They might’ve made camp on the planet. No point in going back to Romulas if they failed their mission." Dean said, rubbing his chin. _They gotta be out there._

 

"There's an unnamed moon in it's orbit. It's the only M-class place around here. Should we go there?" Garth asked.

 

Dean felt something wash over him, everything and nothing all at once. He stood slowly and clenched his fists.

 

"Yes." Dean said. "Warp 7." Dean felt every eye on him as Garth hesitated just a moment before responding. They didn't understand.

 

"Aye Captain." Garth said, punching buttons.

 

"Sam, Cas, please join me in my ready room." Dean said. The two men shared looks as they followed Dean. Once inside Dean's ready room, Dean went straight to the replicator. Castiel strolled to the window and waited while Sam stood with crossed arms in front of Dean's desk.

 

"Computer, coffee - black." The computer beeped at him and a mug full to the brim materialized. Dean took the mug and held it close, turning back to face Sam. Something was about to spill over. Dean was about to tell Sam … everything, but … he couldn't.

 

"I'm going alone." Dean said simply.

 

"To the moon?" Sam asked.

 

"No, to the potty Sam, yes to the moon."

 

"Dean, the Captain shouldn’t go…"

 

"Don't start citing Starfleet protocol at me, because I know what you're going to say, and I don't want to hear it. I'm going. That's final." Dean paused and glanced to Cas. "I have to." Dean hated the tone that he was using now. It sounded just like his father - too much like his father.

 

"Let me go with you." Sam said.

 

"No."

 

"Dean."

 

"It's too dangerous. The ship needs a commanding officer."

 

"The ship needs its captain in one piece not going off alone on reckless orders."

 

"No, I'm not letting you go. This is my mission, not yours."

 

"I've gone on harder missions before."

 

"This is not like any other mission. We don't know what's out there. This is a no win situation. Even if I win … I lose. People die by my hands. If I lose, I'm dead, or at least I will be once the Admiral gets ahold of me. Besides, dad wants me to go it alone."

 

"Life is full of no win situations. That doesn't mean you throw in the towel. Screw Dad and his stupid orders, I know you Dean, and this isn't you. You're jumpy. You're on edge. Whatever happened on the Durus has got you wound up so tight, you won't listen to anyone, not even us. Let someone help you for once, Dean." Sam said. Dean, hated to admit it, but Sam was right. This mission, his fathers orders, everything was getting ready to collapse on Dean. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He searched his brain for some sort of rebuttal, but came back again with nothing.

 

Dean's badge beeped to life. Saved by the bell. Dean sighed as he touched his badge.

 

"Captain." The three men traded looks as Garth's voice echoed in the room.

 

"Go ahead." Dean said.

 

"We've found it. We've found the Auruto."

 

"Where?"

 

"It crashed on that moon. There's a cave system about 5 meters away that has over 50 life signs. All Romulan."

 

Dean looked to Cas who looked back at Dean with sad eyes. He knew that all Cas wanted was the truth. Cas voice sounded in Dean's head.

_"Tell him, Dean. Tell him what happened on the Durus."_ Dean looked away from Cas. Sam was the last person he wanted to tell.

 

"Hold this distance and keep a lock on us if you can. I'm taking the Impala down." Dean said.

 

"Yes, Sir." The comm fell silent. Dean sighed and took another sip of coffee. He looked up to Sam and then to Cas - his last saving grace, and made a decision.

 

"If I take Cas with me, will you get off my back?" Dean asked looking to Sam expectantly. Sam looked to Cas and let out a breath.

 

“Alright, but remember he’s the ship’s doctor. He has the power and authority to knock you out if he needs to. Right, Cas?”

 

Cas glanced between the brothers and nodded.

 

“Yes, I do.”

 

Dean nodded at Sam.

 

“Sounds fair.” Dean said, taking one last gulp of coffee.

 

With that, the trio left in silence. Sam stayed on the bridge as Dean and Cas took the turbolift. Dean could feel Cas watch him as they walked the corridors. Normally, Dean just shrugged of the little staring contests they had, but this staring was different. It was sad, and pleading. Dean hated it. He stopped abruptly at the shuttle bay doors and turned to Cas.

 

“What the hell, man. Quit staring.” He growled.

 

Cas shook his head.

 

“You could have told him, Dean.”

 

Dean rolled his eyes and sighed.

 

“Cas.” He said, walking through the doors.

 

“He would have understood.” Cas pleaded.

 

Dean went straight for the replicator and made a simple black overcoat to disquise himself on the moon. As it materialized he looked Cas dead in the eyes and spoke.

 

“Cas, drop it. I mean it.”

 

Sam was right about this too. What happened on the Durus had Dean reeling. He was so out of it, he didn't even go through his usual ritual of greeting his favorite shuttle, the Impala. The small but sturdy ship had seen him and his family through many battles and it had become a part of the family. Dean usually would run a few scans to make sure she was in tiptop condition and though he'd never admit it, he sang to her. He sang the songs he remembered his mother singing when he was a kid. It was silly, but Dean did it anyways … except this time. He simply threw on his overcoat, opened the Impala door and took his seat at the helm.

 

He didn't say a word.

 

Not until they landed on the moon. Dean looked out of the window and saw a rocky maroon landscape around the Impala. A rust colored dust coated the air, but Castiel deemed it safe enough to breathe.

 

"You, stay." Dean said.

 

"Dean." Cas said.

 

"I'm doing this." Dean said. Cas was silent a moment, but nodded and let Dean pass. Dean grabbed a phaser and went to the door.

_"You don’t have to kill these people, Dean. Please, know that."_ Cas said in Dean's head. Dean hung his head as he left the shuttle. As soon as he stepped out the dust, cleared for a few feet around him. Dean looked around and pulled out a tricorder and laid in the coordinates that Garth had given him.

 

It felt like a dream, or a nightmare. Dean had dreamt of this moment for 30 years. The moment when he'd come face to face with this Romulan who took his mothers life away. All the times he imagined it, he never thought he would be this terrified. Something he never felt before was seeping in through the cracks. Dean had spent his whole life leading up to this moment. Whether he wanted it or not, he knew this moment would come.

 

Dean found himself at the mouth of a small cave. The entrance was barely big enough for a shuttle to fit through. Dean scanned the area around him. Then he walked for what seemed like hours down it. He turned corners and heard voices. He saw pieces of old bulkheads scattered on the ground and stepped carefully around them as best as he could. After a few more moments of silence, Dean came across a large opening. He crouched near the edge and peered around the corner.

 

There, he saw a small clearing with a large maroon stone in the middle. A small fire rose around it. Scattered around the edges of the clearing were baskets, some empty, some stocked with what looked like berries. It looked pretty primitive. Dean thought maybe this was the wrong moon. Crowded around a larger basket were three figures. Dean leaned a bit more to get a better look and saw they were Romulans, two women and one man. The older woman was talking to the man, rambling about rations, when Dean heard her say the man’s name. Ejhil.

 

Dean turned away from the door. He felt sweat start to bead on his forehead. He closed his eyes and laid a hand on his phaser. He turned to look at the clearing again to see the women walking toward him. They had no clue Dean was there, and all he could do was stand, get as close to the wall as possible, and hope that they turned down the other corridor. He closed his eyes as he heard their footsteps and held his breath as they passed. He heard the footsteps receed and opened his eyes. He glanced around and let out a quiet breath. He turned back to the opening and took quiet steps toward the man, still hovering over the basket. Dean tiptoed until he was right behind the Romulan. He tapped the man on the shoulder and when Ejhil turned around with wide eyes, Dean covered the man’s mouth.

 

“Don’t even think about screaming. I’m going to take my hand away, and your going to answer a few questions, got it?” Dean said in a low voice. The man stared at Dean, eyes pierced with fear.

 

“I said, got it?” The man nodded.

 

"You're Ejhil?" Dean asked.

 

“Yes … who are…” The man stuttered.

 

"You survived the Auruto crash." The man squinted and looked around the clearing.

 

"Yes I did" He replied. Dean took a breath, and tried to keep himself from going balistik.

 

"How? Don’t skimp on the details.”

 

"We engaged a Starfleet ship, we were no match, but our captain was convinced we could take them. I was one of the first to beam aboard when we fought them, but I was pulled back. Our engines were done and we crashed here."

 

"Did you see a woman. Blonde, yellow uniform." Ejhil looked to Dean and took a few tentative steps away.

 

"I … don't really remember."

 

"Did you shoot her?"

 

The man stared at Dean, furrowing his brow.

 

"Maybe? Our orders said to kill on contact.” Ejhil said backing up. Dean looked down and felt that numbness washing over him again.

 

"It _was_ you then." Dean said under his breath. Ejhil sidestepped a large basket as Dean edged towards him.

 

Had Dean followed his fathers orders, Ejhil would already be dead, but Dean … something else was eating at him.

 

"Me? I don’t-"

 

"Did you shoot her or not." Dean said, feeling anger come over. Ejhil watched Dean's every move and took a deep breath.

 

"Yes, I shot her." Ejhil whispered. Dean looked to the ground again. Somehow, he knew this was wrong. But he couldn't let it slide. He finally had a punching bag that wasn't his own psyche.

 

"That … was my mother." He said through gritted teeth. Ejhil threw his arms up.

 

"I’m very sorry … I never meant to harm anyone, I didn't even want to go. Our captain was a tyrant, he ordered us to slaughter everyone on the ship. It … I didn't mean for it to happen."

 

"You didn't mean it? Oh well that fixes everything!" Dean said laughing. "That just makes it all better." Ejhil turned a bit but Dean grabbed him and pulled him back. He made a fist with his right hand and pulled it back. He swung and hit Ejhil right across the nose. He fell back, tripping over his feet. He screamed but everything was muffled now. Dean threw himself over Ejhil and laid punches on his face over and over again, all the while screaming.

 

"You're sorry! Sorry doesn't bring her back! She's dead now!" Dean felt his knuckles crack and bones shift under his fists. The man was slumped over still breathing only barely.

 

Dean blinked and for a moment saw his father lying there. Dean shook his head and blinked again, seeing Ejhil. Dean gripped the man by the shoulders and pulled him to a sitting position. He stared a moment longer and saw his father again. The image of John grinned at him. Something dawned on him. This wasn’t his blame to take. This was always his father’s. Thirty years of blame that Dean took without question, dissipated as he stared at his father. Rage took it’s place.

 

"You … _You_ could have retreated, _you_ could have saved her! _You_ could have done something! You loved her and you did nothing! _You_ let her die! Well, screw you, Admiral, screw you to hell! She didn’t deserve to die because of your mistake, and I don’t deserve that blame you son of a bitch!" Dean screamed feeling tears run down his face.

 

He heard footfalls behind him and he turned to look. He saw shadows moving against the hall. He turned back and the stench of blood on his hand hit him, shattering his hallucination. He looked to his hands and to the man barely breathing below him. John's grinning face was gone, and in its place was a bloody Romulan mess. Dean felt his throat close up a bit. He reached down to touch the man’s neck checking for a pulse. It was there, only barely.

 

"I'm so sorry." Heat washed over him again, but it was different, it was isolated and he could smell it burning? Excruciating pain shot through his shoulder as he heard shouting and footsteps around him. He craned his neck and saw a phaser burn on his back. He looked up and saw a tall Romulan holding a phaser. There were two more shots fired and waves of pain washed over him that forced him to fall on his side. Dean's vision wavered but he could see four figures moving at the opening to the clearing. One Romulan came and grabbed Ejhil. The others were shouting to the hallway, firing their phasers. The tallest Romulan walked to Dean and pointed the phaser in his face.

 

"Please … I don't …" Dean sputtered, feeling blood stain his mouth. He closed his eyes expecting another fatal heat wave, but felt nothing. When he opened his eyes, the group of Romulans were back at the opening. Dean strained to see what they were looking at, and his eyes widened when he saw a figure running towards the Romulans. The figure knocked two of the men down in one swift shove and made it past the opening. Dean squinted and wiped his face with his free hand, trying to see who it was. A lab coat flashed and he knew.

 

"Cas.” Dean tried to speak but it was barely a whisper. His back felt like it was on fire and he knew the wounds were bad.

 

The armed Romulan took off down the hall, and Dean watched as Castiel fought the three remaining men.

 

Castiel kicked the shortest one square in the jaw and used the palm of his hands to shove the another back against the stone cave wall. Cas stepped around another Romulan and jabbed him somewhere in the middle of the back, causing the man to spasm and fall to the ground.

 

The one by the wall was on his feet again. Castiel ran around the man and was behind him in an instant. It was fluid, like he could do this in his sleep. Castiel brought his leg up and slammed it down on the back of the man's leg, breaking a bone and forcing the man to the ground. The Romulan that he had kicked before was up as well.

 

Castiel squared off with the man and slowly took his arm out of his lab coat sleeve, letting it rest against his back. He was slow now, side stepping and mirroring the Romulan's move. The Romulan lunged forward and Cas sidestepped him. He turned and pushed the man to the ground and brought his free sleeve around the Romulans neck. He pulled on it until the man below him stopped moving.

 

Castiel stood, emotionless and put his arm back in his lab coat. He turned with now frantic eyes to see Dean, now almost passed out on the garden floor. Cas made a move to get to Dean, but the armed Romulan was back and stood in-between the men. Cas held up his arms.

 

"Please, let me take my Captain and we will leave you."

 

The Romulan didn’t budge.

 

"Please, your men will live. I only injured them. Have some compassion." Cas begged.

 

"Compassion. That's interesting coming from a Vulcan." The Romulan spat.

 

Dean was still fading in and out of reality but managed to sit up and speak.

 

"Newsflash: He's half-Vulcan."

 

The Romulan turned in amazement to see Dean grinning through his pain. In one swift motion, Cas was behind him and brought up his hand. He pinched the nerve near the Romulans neck, and he collapsed to the ground. Cas took quick steps and knelt next to Dean. He took out his tricorder and scanned Dean, focusing on his shoulder where he was shot.

 

"Lie down on your side, this wound is fatal."

 

"Am I dying?" Dean whispered, still in a daze feeling his life drain out of him. Cas froze and stared into Dean’s eyes.

 

"Not on my watch, Dean." Cas said, firm and reassuring. Cas placed a hand on Dean's forehead, feeling sweat almost pouring out of Dean. The wound was worse than it looked, it was affecting Dean's body in more ways than one.

 

"Cas."

 

"Dean, try not to speak. I'm getting you to sick bay." Cas put an arm around Dean clutching onto the man’s waist. He hoisted Dean up, making Dean cry out in pain.

 

"Cas." Dean tried again as they made their way out of the cave.

 

"I don't want - " Dean whispered leaning towards Cas.

 

"Dean, you must refrain from speaking. Please." Cas urged as they made it back to the shuttle. Cas struggled a bit, but managed to open the door and pull Dean inside. He laid Dean down on a cot and reached into the nearby med kit. He pulled out a hypospray that would help Dean with the pain and knock him out until Cas could get the shuttle back to the Argeneus. Cas leaned over Dean and reached for his neck. Dean felt the whoosh of the hypospray and in his last moments of conciousness he reached up to Cas’s lab coat and pulled until Cas’s ear was near his lip’s.

 

"I don't want to take her place. I don't want to die, Cas." Dean managed, barely breathing. Castiel pulled back a little, to look into Dean's eyes and he smiled a weak smile.

 

"I know, Dean. I know."

 

Dean slept for 13 hours.

* * *

 

 _6._  

A warm breeze washed over Dean. He sat in the valley of the Grand Canyon, back on Earth. He wasn't hiking or camping, just sitting next to a stream. He blinked a few times, taking in the scenery when he heard a voice next to him. He turned his head and saw Castiel beaming down at him. Cas opened his mouth to speak, but his voice was garbled and Dean couldn't quite hear him. The ground around him started to shake and almost rattle, like an earthquake. When Dean looked down and touched the ground he felt nothing. He looked back up to Cas, but he was fading away, like a cloud of smoke, and the canyon was leaking away with him. Dean closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, he saw the cool grey ceiling of sick bay. Pain rushed through his limbs and he let out a groan. He heard shuffling and tried to turn to see but a pain shot through his back.

 

"Dean, you're awake?" Cas walked over to Dean with a hypospray and injected it into Dean’s neck.

 

"I'm alive." Dean whispered to himself. He was sure he was a goner but the very real pain was now washing away. Dean tried to sit up but Cas held him back.

 

"Don't stress your back, and yes. The phaser burns were nearly fatal, but luckily I got you back in time. Now lay on your side and hold still." Dean leaned on his arm, letting air touch his bare back.

 

Dean saw a flash of lab coat in his peripheral vision and remembered what had happened on the moon. The moment he had dreaded and begged for had come and gone and now he was laying on a bio-bed, alive. The universe hadn't come to a screeching halt, he hadn’t died like his mother ... he had survived. There was still what felt like eons of pent up emotional mayhem brewing in Dean's mind, but this - this was over.

 

A part of him couldn't believe that Cas had blasted in there and rescued him. Mostly because … it was Cas. It's wasn’t that Cas wasn't capable, it was that he hardly ever resorted to physical combat. Dean craned his neck to look at Cas and make sure he wasn't still hallucinating.

 

"Dean, I said hold still." Cas said staring down at the tri-corder in his hand. Dean chuckled, looking away. _Yep, that's Cas._

 

"You know, Cas, I've never seen you take someone down like that before. I've known you for years and I've never seen you do anything like that." Dean said, trying hard to not think about the way Cas moved on the moon and the way it made his heart race. Cas tilted his head as he pressed a few buttons on the tricorder.

 

"Prior to my admittance to Starfleet Academy, I was trained in over twenty styles of martial arts, spanning Betazoid, Vulcan, Klingon, and human techniques. I am also well versed in Vulcan Nerve Binding. I can easily 'take an opponent down'. I normally don't use physical force, unless the situation is dire enough. Getting you out of that cave was a dire situation. You can sit up now. I need to take a few more scans." Dean sat up as Cas scanned his back, and neck. Cas rounded the table and Dean could swear he could see Cas blushing ever so slightly as he scanned Dean's bare chest.

 

"You looked like superman or something back there, cape and all." Dean said grinning.

 

"Superman?" Cas said, glancing up to Dean as he scanned Dean's arms and legs.

 

"Oh hell, we watched Superman at the Academy, I know we did. At uh, one of those vintage movie theaters. I remember because you kept saying that it was 'illogical' that no one knew Superman and Clark Kent were the same person. Or did you forget that we got thrown out because you made those comments out loud, during the movie, with a packed audience?" Dean said seeing a small smile stretch across Castiel's face.

 

"I remember and it is still illogical." Cas said, finally meeting Dean's gaze. For a moment they both froze locked in this light moment.

 

Dean missed this. The playful bantering, the good stuff. And then it dawned on him. He stared at Cas, his saviour, as the whisper in his mind grew louder and louder. Though Dean would never admit it, he knew there was a feeling that was catching like fire, and it had been a slow burn, probably since the Academy days. It was like a burn in his stomach that stretched to every nerve now. He thought back to the staring contests, the telepathy and it all fit into place. It made sense, but at the same time it was terrifying. Two men thrown together by a wagon train to the stars.

 

On a mission to find life on other planets, Dean had found it here - in tired blue eyes, pointed ears, and a wrinkled lab coat. Cas had brought him back from the brink of death, and yet … something still pulled Dean back.

 

 Almost on cue, a nurse walked up to Dean, captain's uniform in hand. She glanced from Cas to Dean and moved to lay the uniform next to Dean.

 

"Captain, we had this replicated just now." That's when Dean realized he was leaning on the edge of the bio-bed, almost falling off. Dean leaned back as Castiel let out a breath and went back to the hypospray shelf.

 

"Oh ... thanks Ensign." Dean said, taking the new uniform and hopping off the bed.

 

Dean looked from Cas to his uniform and ran a hand over the dark fabric. Something else occurred to him.

 

Starfleet would never be safe enough. His own family was proof of that. No matter who took the blame, the fact remains. His mother died in the line of duty. So did Samandriel, and so many other Starfleet Officers. The chances of living a long life on a Starship were close to nill, and somehow Dean knew that when he did finally bite the bullet, it would be in a blaze of fire. The thought of putting Cas through that pain, or the thought of watching Cas die – they were too painful. Dean knew now that there were complicated feelings between him and Cas, bigger than friendship, bigger than words. But why dig deeper into those emotions, if it’s just going to hurt that much more in the end?

 

Dean pulled the purple uniform undershirt over his head. He glanced up to Cas who was rearranging the hyposprays. Dean closed his eyes and shook his head again as he pulled on his socks, pants and shoes. Just as Dean pulled his uniform top over his head, the sick bay door slid open and Sam walked in.

 

"Dean.” Sam said relieved and walking to his brother and hugging him.

 

"I'm as good as new, little brother." Dean said, placing his pips and comm badge back in place.

 

"Good to hear." Sam said. He looked to Cas who now had his eyes trained on Dean. “Cas, you’ve gotta be the best doctor this side of the quadrant.”

 

Cas nodded and smiled at Sam.

 

"Thank you Commander. Well, I should be returning to my duties. I will be in my office if anyone requires my assistance. The Captain can return to his duties when he is ready." Cas glanced back to Dean before nodding to Sam and returning to his office. Dean watched as Cas left and ran a hand through his hair. He took a deep breath and looked to Sam.

 

"To the bridge?" Dean asked, walking through the sick bay door.

 

"To the bridge." Sam answered, trailing behind. The walk was silent until the brothers turned down a hall.

 

"Cas sure did work a miracle back there, didn't he." Sam said, with something like sarcasm coating every word.

 

"Yeah. He's, uh, something else." Dean stared in front of him, but he could feel his cheeks flush and his heart pick up.

 

"Dean." Sam said. Dean looked to him and was met with a questioning side-glance from Sam.

 

"What?" Dean asked. Sam looked away as the pair kept walking. Sam took in a breath and spoke.

 

"It's just. I mean, I noticed it before but just now … you and Cas." Dean stopped dead in his tracks. He looked away form Sam and gulped. Dean looked back to Sam with a look that could kill. _Crap_.

 

If Sam saw it then hell, probably the whole ship knew. Dean clenched his jaw before speaking and decided to play dumb.

 

"What do you mean 'me and Cas.'"

 

"Oh, come on Dean." Sam said through a laugh. Dean rolled his eyes and kept walking, stepping into the turbo lift.

 

"No I'm not coming on, Sam. There's nothing to say about it. Computer: Bridge." Dean said crossing his arms. The turbo lift whirred and propelled the pair upwards.

 

"Oh please, Computer: halt turbo lift. Nothing to say about it? How about the fact that you were a wreck when I joined the academy because he went on that away mission? Even though he was only fifty lightyears away, and you still talked daily? Maybe the fact that he learned to make pie from scratch for your 21st birthday? And how you loved it even though it kind of resembled Klingon gagh? Maybe the fact that you get pissy when he goes on missions by himself. Or the look on his face when you're in pain? He stayed up the whole time you were asleep just to make sure you were okay. That's 13 hours Dean and he hasn't slept in days. He worked round the clock to get you back. Not that he wouldn't do that for any other crew member but … you should've seen him, Dean. The guy would go to hell and back for you. And if that doesn't convince you, then, oh, I don't know, how about the fact that he can talk to you and only you with his _mind_? And don't think the entire crew doesn't notice those little staring contests you two have. I could go on." Sam said as he crossed his arms.

 

Dean closed his eyes and clenched his fists.

 

"I'm not talking about this. Like I said, there's _nothing_ to talk about. Look, all that stuff is … is just stuff. Okay?" Dean said, still not looking at Sam.

 

"Throw your shields up again Dean, go ahead, but you don't have to be telepathic to see what everyone who meets the two of you can see."

 

"Listen Sasquatch, if you don't drop this I'm dropping you out an Air Lock. Brother or not. Computer: Resume Turbolift." Dean said crossing his arms. Sam rolled his eyes as he spoke.

 

"Fine … fine. Dropping it. Now, I've talked to the Romulans and they've agreed to let us go. We've given them food and supplies and the medics are almost done treating their wounded."

 

"Good, I'd like to apologize to them."

 

"Already took care of that, besides I don't know if they really want to see your face again."

 

"Oh but it's such a great face!"

 

Sam rolled his eyes as Dean laughed. They exited the turbo lift and Dean took his seat in the captain’s chair. Ensign Jo turned around from her post at the helm and spoke.

 

"So, Captain, we obviously have no reason to fight these people. What's our move?" Dean looked at Sam. He knew what he had to do. He couldn’t let Lucifer get away, no matter what his father said.

 

"We go after the Borg." Dean said propping his leg up on his knee.

 

"What about Dad?" Sam asked.

 

"Screw him, screw the orders." Dean looked down and then back to Sammy. He touched his badge and spoke to the ship's crew.

 

"Captain Winchester to the crew. Listen up, everyone. As soon as the rest of the crew get back from the moon, we're charting a course to Lucifer. I want to be sure everyone knows that this course of action is a direct violation of my father's orders. I can understand if any of you don't want to take this course of action. That's valid. It's a pretty crazy move. It'll be reckless, and probably pretty stupid. And even if we get out alive, we could all be reduced to cadets. But. This is the best damn crew in the fleet and we can take those bastards out once and for all. We can tear Lucifer a new one … for what he's done to our crew. If anyone objects please say so now." Dean touched his badge and the comm went silent. Dean clasped his hands together waiting for an objection. A solid minute passed before the comm sprang to life. Dean looked up and waited. A voice came through. Bobby.

 

"What the hell are you waiting for boy, let's go get the bastards." The crew laughed and Dean nodded as he stood to address each member of the bridge crew.

 

"Alright, let's do this. Garth, set a course back to Zetar. That'll be our best bet to find him. Jo, warp 7. Ash, scan for Borg activity. I'm sure Lucifer's on the move. We have at least forty lightyears to prepare. Everybody get to work, we gotta get the Argenteus in tip-top shape." Dean sat back down and looked to his brother again. He heard Castiel's voice in his head.

_"Dean. I can’t be trusted."_ Dean sighed as he tapped his badge and spoke in a low voice.

 

"Captain to Security Team 1, when we make contact with Lucifer. I need you to watch over Cas. I'm hoping he'll be fine, but if Lucifer gets a hold of him I need you to knock him out," Dean paused glancing to Sam. He turned his head and in a whisper he added, "but don't hit his face … just use a hypospray and be gentle … or whatever."

 

"Aye Captain, will do." The comm went quiet. Dean leaned back in his chair and looked to Sam again. Dean was met with a grin. He rolled his eyes.

 

"What."

 

"Nothing you don't already know, Dean." Sam said leaning back and pressing a few buttons on his chair.

 

"Shut up." Dean growled  back.

* * *

 

_7._

The Argenteus crawled along at impulse, while the crew worked on the warp engine. It had been two days since Dean made the order to go back to Zetar, and the crew had been working non-stop. They had at least two more weeks of searching to go through to get back to Lucifer and all Dean could really do was wait. The comm would beep to life every few minutes, but it was usually a small update, nothing out of the ordinary. Even Castiel was quiet. Dean hadn't heard his voice since the day before, but Dean just assumed he was busy. Dean sat in his ready room, sipping on a mug of coffee, and stared out his window, not really focusing on anything.

 

He stood and strolled over to the wide window. He took a deep breath as stars and nebulas slid past. He took another swig of coffee and focused on a particularly green cluster of stars less than a lightyear away. It wasn't a pleasant deep forest green, or even a bright emerald green. It was a green that made Dean's stomach turn as he realized it was moving. He gasped as a light flashed from the cluster and a small object came hurtling toward the ship.

 

The Borg.

 

"Son of a bitch."

 

Dean dropped his mug and sprinted to the door, but before he could get through, the object, a photon torpedo, blasted against the side of the ship. The ship shook as Dean's door slid open. His crew was frantic as he ran to the Captain's chair.

 

"Shields, now! Jo, evasive maneuvers. Red Alert, I repeat Red Alert." He yelled as another flash sent a torpedo hurtling towards them.

 

"Get our engine back. Everyone battle stations." Sam yelled. The red alert lights flashed as it finally came into view. The green cluster glowed as it flew towards the Argenteus and the outline of a Borg cube appeared on the view screen. Two more torpedoes flew towards the Argenteus, but were deflected by shields.

 

"Arm the Photon Torpedoes. Aim for their weapons!" Dean yelled. The cube stopped just in front of the Argenteus. Kevin spoke.

 

"Captain, we're being hailed. It's them."

 

Dean looked back to Kevin and then to Sam. Dean stood and took a few steps froward.

 

"Open a channel." Dean paused and took a breath. "This is Captain Dean Winchester of the U.S.S. Argenteus. Identify yourself." The view screen switched to a view that made Dean's heart sink. Lucifer. Somehow he had thought that maybe it was just a straggling Borg cube, something they could just avoid. But, there he stood in the center of a black room that was laced with green lights and silver tubing.

 

He was tall and thin, and his pale skin only highlighted his gunmetal Borg implants. His left arm had been replaced with what looked like a soldering gun, with three prongs. He stood with his arms crossed and a smirk plastered on his face.

 

"Hiya Dean. You know, I imagined you taller."

 

"Lucifer." Dean growled.

 

"Oh good, we don't need to bother with pleasantries. Let's get straight to the point. I'm going to board your ship, assimilate you and your crew, make a pit stop at Earth, assimilate another 7 billion or so, and then take over the universe, quadrant by quadrant." Lucifer said, dragging his gaze over every member of the bridge crew. Dean exhaled and shook his head. _Prick._

 

"And you think I'm just gonna let you do that?"

 

"Yes, Dean. That first volley hurt you pretty bad didn't it, and I'm just getting started. Just give up. It'll be easier for everyone involved. I don't think you all want to end up like Samandriel, now do you?" A grin spread across Lucifer’s face as Dean turned his back to the screen. He gritted his teeth and tried his best to hold himself back. He turned back around and took quick steps to the helm, and braced himself on the piloting console.

 

"Listen, you go near my planet, or my crew again and you're a dead man. I may be Starfleet but that doesn't mean I won't beat you like you stole something you spineless -"

 

"Dean, Dean, Dean. You talk so big for someone who has already lost. As we speak the very thing you are trying to avenge is already losing control."

 

"What the hell are you talking about?" Dean said straightening up.

 

"Isn't it obvious?" Lucifer said cocking his head to one side. Dean looked around at his crew and back to the screen. His chief of Security, Ellen, who was usually on the bridge, was not there. Dean's eyes widened as he remembered his last security order. _Son of a bitch._

 

"Cas."

 

"You're smarter than you let on, Dean."

 

"Captain Winchester to Commander Castiel. Cas respond. Captain to Security Team 1. Someone answer me dammit." Dean half yelled. If no one was responding, it could mean the worst. Sam stood and jogged to the Security console.

 

"Commander Winchester to any Security personel, report to Castiel's quarters immediately. Set phasers to stun. He may be dangerous."

 

"They won't be able to stop him, not unless you kill him. Vulcan-Betazoid physiology is a treacherously beautiful thing. My siblings and I are some of the most telepathically gifted in the universe, yet my siblings refuse to hone their abilities as I have. They could be fierce forces of their own. I know Anna and Samandriel seemed like cute little kittens, but the constant war between Vulcan logic and the Betazoid propensity towards drama and decadence is … well it's the perfect storm. You and I both know the wrath Castiel can conjure. Imagine what he could do under my control."

 

"Cut the speech and let him go." Dean seethed.

 

"Oh, I can't do that. I'm not done playing with him yet. See you soon, Captain." The screen changed back to the Borg cube. Dean tried to remember the last time Cas spoke to him telepathically, and how long Cas might have been under Lucifers control. It had been hours. Sam broke the silence.

 

"Dean, we're getting reports that Cas has lost it. He's going berserk, half of the security team is unconscious. Ellen's activated the holo shields near his quarters, but he's still trying to get out."

 

"Lucifer is charging his weapons, and changing course to Earth." Victor growled from his post. Dean put his hands on his hips and stared at the Borg cube. This was a game for Lucifer. Just a game. Dean connected the dots in his mind and spoke.

 

"This has to do with proximity. If we stay here and back down, Cas drops out of whatever mind control he's under and the ship is safe. If we follow him, Cas stays under his control and could really lose it, but there's a 50/50 chance to destroy the Borg for good. He's making us chose. Cas's sanity and the ship, or Earth." Dean growled. "I'm not losing another officer to him, not Cas. But we can't let him assimilate Earth either." Dean gripped the guardrail as he mulled over the choices before him. Someone else, though, had an answer. Charlie.

 

"Captain. We can choose both. We go after Lucifer, and make sure he doesn't get back to Earth. And you go down and get to Cas. If anyone can get through to him, it's you. Severing his connection to Lucifer, could weaken Lucifer, giving us the chance we need to destroy him. If Cas stays connected to him for much longer, even if Lucifer dies, who knows what damage that could do. We can still choose, Captain. We can still have our cake and eat it, too." Dean nodded and let out a heavy breath. It was risky, keeping Cas under like that, but something told Dean that he couldn’t let Cas face this alone.

 

"Well, you heard her. We go after Lucifer. Sam you have the bridge. Damage his cube as much as possible, but don't destroy it until Cas is safe. Use everything we've got. Keep working on the engines. We need top speed in case Lucifer decides to tuck tail and run. I'll get Cas." Dean said. He jogged to the turbo lift and stepped inside. He knew he probably was the only one who could get through to Cas but how. What the hell would stop a Vulcan on a mindless rampage? Dean could try knocking him out, but if half the security team couldn’t do it, he probably couldn’t either. He stepped out of the turbo lift and sprinted to Castiel's quarters. Just before the turn, he spotted Ellen, and several wounded security Officers.

 

"Ellen, what's happening?"

 

"He was pretty nuts there for a while. He took out half my team like it was nothing. I'm not going to shoot at him, Dean, I won't do that. But now, he's back in his quarters. I heard some crashes. I think he's trashing the place. It was a frenzy when you called before, that’s why we couldn’t answer." Ellen whispered.

 

"Take your team to sick bay. I'll take it from here."

 

"Dean."

 

"Don't worry about me, Ellen, just go." Ellen nodded and helped up some of the crew and hobbled away toward sick bay. Dean punched a few buttons on a nearby console.

 

"Computer, remove the holo-shields outside Officer Castiel's living quarters - Authorization Code Winchester 0-5-Alpha-2-5-3." The computer beeped and the shield dissipated. Dean took tentative steps toward the quarters. The door had been forced open. Dean peered through the door. The stars outside the far window provided the only light.

 

"Castiel?" Dean whispered. Light shined over broken glass and furniture scattered on the floor. He heard rustling behind him and saw a flash of lab coat. Dean tried to avoid it, but in one swift movement, Cas had Dean pinned against a bulkhead. Cas's arm was hard against Dean's neck. Dean could barely breathe. He looked to Cas whose face was dark.

 

"Cas, it's me." Dean gasped for air. Cas tilted his head. "It's Dean, your best friend. Please." Dean coughed out as he placed a hand on Castiel's shoulder. Cas blinked and looked to the hand. He looked back to Dean and squinted.

 

"Dean." Cas whispered as his eyes widened. "Dean!" He stepped back, releasing Dean who took deep breaths. Cas took another step back and reached up to his head. He let out a groan.

 

"He's in there isn't he?" Dean said taking Cas by the shoulders. Cas nodded still gripping his head.

 

"Dean help me. I can’t-”. Cas said finally stepping into the starlight. His blue eyes shined with fear and fury as he sat on the purple couch in front of the window.

 

"What do I do Cas. Tell me what to do." Dean said, crouching in front of Cas. Dean tried to hold on to some strength, but watching Cas go through this much pain. It was almost too much.

 

"We must connect. A mind meld. Not a traditional meld. It will be more like a trip to the holodeck than a crossing of minds. He's in here with me. Find him." Cas said, groaning again.

 

"Don't worry Cas. We'll find him." Dean said nodding. Cas leaned forward and reached out to Dean's face, placing his thumb near the jaw, the pointer finger next to the eye and the middle finger, just above Dean’s temple. Cas stared into Dean's eyes and Dean found himself getting lost in the moment - in Cas only a foot away, in the deep midnight blue of his eyes. He didn't realize he was sweating until Cas's fingers almost slipped off his face. He felt Cas tense up as reality slipped away. The last thing he saw was Cas blinking away a tear.

* * *

 

_8._

Dean opened his eyes and was met with a slight breeze, and the smell of ancient paper. He expected to see those blue eyes staring back at him but instead Dean saw a gigantic room in front of him with vaulted ceilings and … no Castiel. The room held row upon row upon row of bookshelves. A library - one lined with dark wood and accented with a dark blue marble. Of course Castiel's brain would be a library. Dean looked around expecting chaos but again was met with a bay window that stood twenty feet tall. Outside, it was raining. Not a hard pelting rain, but a soft rain with a little sunlight peeking through. _Way too friggin serene, man._

 

"Cas." Dean shouted. The name echoed against the window and the walls and returned to him with nothing. Dean scanned the walls of the library for anything and then he spotted it. Not a door or anything that would help him figure out where the hell Cas was, but his own name scrawled onto the spine of a large leather bound book sitting on a black marble table. He looked at the other books around him and saw names, some familiar some foreign, but none the size of the book that held his name.

 

"Castiel." He shouted again taking quick steps to the table. _Goddamit Cas.  Where are you?_

 

Dean stared down at the book. He would be lying if he said that he wasn't a little curious about the sheer volume of the book. It’s not that he wasn't worried. Dean was beyond worried, but this was too much to pass over. Dean saw a red bookmark sticking out between two pages. He raised his brows and reached for the bookmark and pulled the book open. At the top of the page was a date. A familiar one, a date Dean recognized as the day before Castiel returned from his mission on Betazed all those years ago.

 

Only one other word was printed across the page. One word. A word that Dean knew he had heard before. The whisper that had been stuck in his head for years now. The one that had been a nuisiance.

 

Imzadi.

 

Dean felt something in his head go off. Something in his head felt like it was burning, but that sensation cleared as he kept reading. The next page held a definition of sorts.

_“A Betazoid word, generally a term of affection and usually means 'my beloved' or 'first to touch ones soul'. It can be used platonically, but it is more likely romantic. Either way, it is a soul-deep emotional and telepathic bond.”_

 

Beloved.

 

Dean mulled over the word in his mind and felt his heart beat faster. Imzadi repeated in his mind over and over again and what used to be a dull echo; now was clear as day. All these years, Cas felt like this and didn’t say anything.

 

Another sound shook Dean from his trance. A crash from the far side of he room, near the bay window. He saw a bookshelf had been shoved over and a door had been hiding behind it. Dean turned and took quick steps to the door.

 

"Cas?" Dean said. He reached for the silver knob of the door, but just as he touched the cool metal, a scream and another crash erupted from behind the door.

 

 Dean pushed and tugged on the door, but it wouldn't budge. He took a few steps back and tried to kick the door a few times. He heard another scream just as he landed the kick that blew the door open. The hall in front of Dean was pitch black, save for a white light coming from behind an open door at the end of the hall. Dean could hear whispers coming from the dark, and he could swear he felt hands on him tugging at him from every angle. Still he stepped forward, towards the light. As he got closer he could hear a voice, a desperate voice that was in pain. _Please, don’t be Cas,_ Dean thought, moving closer.

 

"Dean?" He heard the voice say as he finally got to the door and pushed it open. The small room in front of Dean was white, except for the light blue and gold carpet that lined the floor. It was empty except for a slumped mass in the far corner of the room. Blood stained the carpet around the mass. Dean stepped forward, feeling his eyes widen. The mass moved and revealed a head of raven black hair, and a set of ocean blue eyes.

 

"Cas!" Dean said, glad to see Cas, but his glee faltered as Cas tried to unfold himself and stand. His uniform was tattered, and his medic’s coat was nowhere to be found. Dean felt his heart sink as he watched Cas struggle to stand. There was a gash across the left side of his face and blood ran down from it. His knuckles were bruised and bloody and he grabbed at his ribs. Dean rushed to him to steady him.

 

"Cas, what the hell? What happened?"

 

"Lucifer." Cas could barely breath. "I tried to … he locked me in here…still out there … he's strong. I can't." Cas fell limp in Dean's grasp.

 

"No no no, stay with me man, come on you can fight this! This is your brain, Cas." Another crash sounded. "We gotta get out of here." Dean said, steadying Cas.

 

"I can't." Cas gasped in pain.

 

"Yes you can. Concentrate. You can push him out." Dean said. _At least let’s hope he can._ He put an arm around Castiel's waist and pulled him toward the door and down the long hallway. Dean glanced out the bay window and saw lighting flashing across the sky. That’s when he heard it - a laugh echoing in the library.

 

Dean and Cas turned to face the sound and there they saw Lucifer. He didn't look like the Borg he was. He wore a simple white shirt and black slacks. He was the man he used to be, when he was just Castiel's brother. Lucifer’s hard gaze softened a bit when he saw Cas.

 

“How are you, Cas?”

           

“Get out of his mind, asshole.” Dean said stepping in front of Cas.

           

“Now why would I do that?”

           

“You made him kill your brother. Don’t you feel remorse for that at all?”

           

“No, Dean, I don’t. Casualty of war. Besides, unlike my brothers and sisters I’ve managed to rid myself of those emotions. It’s a wonder what the Borg collective can do to the psyche."

           

“You still seem like a dick to me. And you think I want that?”

           

“You misunderstand me, Captain. I was like you once. Average, nothing special. Except for my powers. Our father, for some bizarre reason, wanted me in Starfleet. I couldn't stand the monotony. Sure space travel is exciting, but where's the fun in just exploring, when I could just take so easily? So I dropped out. As I experimented with my powers I found my body just wasn't enough to power me. So I voluntarily assimilated. At first, I didn't remember who I was. But, when the Borg Queen died, myself and several other drones were severed from the collective. In a last ditch effort to save our species, we formed our own, and I became King. I have more power than you can imagine. Just imagine if I assimilated Earth, or Vulcan, or Betazed how powerful I'd be. How important I'd be. No one would forget me. No one could tell me what to do. If I assimilated you and your brother, you could be my right hand men. Sam the genius, and you, the battering ram. We'd be the most feared creatures this side of the universe. What's more important in the long run, Dean - feeling like nothing, or feeling like something?”

 

Dean glared at Lucifer and let go of Cas. He took a step forward. Lucifer raised his hand and with a flick of the wrist, he sent Dean flying into a wall of books. Cas stumbled to his side to help him up. Lucifer still stood crossing his arms.

 

Dean struggled to sit up.

 

“Cas … Cas you gotta take control of this.” Dean said gripping onto Castiel and standing with him. They looked to Lucifer, but he wasn’t there.

 

“Dammit, shifty bastard…” Dean spat, “Cas I’m gonna get close to him, but you gotta give me a weapon. This is your brain. Use it.” Cas nodded and stood straighter, stronger. Dean looked around again and took off running towards the bay window. He figured If he could bash through the window, he could distract Lucifer long enough for Cas to gain control.

 

He ran into something solid and fell back.

 

“Son of a bitch.” He growled as he looked up and saw Lucifer standing in front of him grinning. Dean scrambled to his feet and yelled “Cas!” Dean took a step back.

 

“Not so fast Dean. See I want to make sure my offer has been turned down. I could make you forget … I could make you forget about your mother. I know you think you got over that, but that anger is still there. It always will be. I could make you forget the anger and all the bad you’ve seen. As a Borg? You wouldn’t feel anything. Wouldn’t that be nice? Forget that everyone you love will die. How do think you'd feel once Sam or Cas died. You'd probably want to throw yourself out an airlock. Who can blame you, losing someone like that, feeling helpless to save the one thing you care about in this universe? Oh, but you already know what that feels like, don't you?" Dean stared him down.

 

He was right. Dean could have it easier being a Borg. Dean felt himself slipping. Feeling nothing would be an upgrade to the way Dean felt now. Like the universe was on his shoulders, and on  top of that, the ghosts of the past coming back to haunt him, even though he thought he could shut them out. He could forget the pain, but he'd forget the good too, he'd forget Cas. Dean looked to Cas, hoping for guidance, but instead Lucifer stepped between them.

 

 "Look, Dean. No matter what anyone says, no matter what Cas says, you know what you are. You’re Dean Winchester. You barely pass as captain, you drove your father to be an abusive asshole and you killed your mother. You're a lost cause, kiddo. Everyone around you will die one day and theres nothing you can do about it. Those are facts. Join me and you can forget the skulking failure you are. You can become what you were meant to be - something worthwhile and powerful. Or is that a no.”

 

Dean was silent, but he heard Cas mumbling behind him. He recognized his words as a Vulcan prayer of focus. He tried to heed Cas’ words, tried to push Lucifers words out. He felt a churning in his stomach. Dean watched Lucifers’ stoic face twist into a grin, stretched and pointed, just like his ears.

 

“Because in that case I'll have to take you and your ship by force.”

 

The ship. His ship. His wagon train to the stars. Dean’s everything.

 

Dean felt something begin to materialize duct-taped to his back. Dean wanted to smile remembering Die Hard had been showing at the vintage movie theater the same week Superman was back in the academy. Cas always said that John McClane was foolish for pulling that move, but Dean guessed, some things change. Lucifer continued taking steps to Dean stopping inches in front of him.

 

“Don’t think I can’t do it, I have thousands of drones behind me. Tell me Dean, what do you have?” Dean grinned and reached behind him pulling off a phaser, with a rotating shield attachment, and a plated bayonet; Bobby’s Colt. He brought it down in front of him and lunged at Lucifer. He drove the bayonet into Lucifers gut and leaned in close.

 

“I have this, you son of a bitch.” He growled, and fired the phaser sending Lucifer back a few feet before disintegrating him from Castiel's mind. The library fell silent save for slow footsteps. Dean turned his head to see Cas, still weak from the phaser trick, but standing. The meld started to break and the library around them began to cloud up. Dean smiled a crooked smile and closed the distance between them. He reached out and pulled Cas into a hug.

 

“See you soon, Cas.” Dean closed his eyes and waited for the meld to end. He felt a hot breeze on him, something like a blanket snug around his shoulders and a sound like birds. He swore he was at a beach but when he opened his eyes, the sound cleared up and the birds were the beeps of the nearby computer and the hot breeze came from the man breathing into his neck. Cas’ arms were wrapped tightly around Dean.

* * *

 

_9._

Dean wanted to say there forever - sitting on the floor with their legs tangled together. Dean wondered how sitting like this didn't hurt, but the warmth of Castiel's arms slung around Dean shut that thought out. His eyes flicked open when he remembered the book in Castiel's brain - the one that held the word beloved.

 

Dean leaned back to face Cas and felt his heart sink when he saw tears trickle down Castiel's stoic face. It must have been the worst feeling, to have your own brother rip you apart in your own brain. Dean lifted his hands and moved them to Cas's shoulders. Cas blinked and looked up to Dean, eyes wide. Dean felt Cas shift under his hands and suddenly, Cas was only centimeters away. Dean could feel his blood rush and his stomach turn. He watched as Cas searched his eyes. Somehow, Dean knew exactly what he was searching for. Cas squinted his eyes as Dean let his jaw fall open. He wanted to say something, anything to divert Cas’s attention, but it's like his words had locked themselves away, refusing to come out until Dean did what his body was telling him to. Cas's voice echoed in Dean's head.

_"Dean, I … "_ His voice was shaky and so unlike Castiel. As Cas stumbled to get more words out, a light flicked in Dean's peripheral. He turned to look, but before he realized what it was, the hull just below Castiel's window was hit with a torpedo. The ship shook and sparks flew as the men were sent to the ground. _Son of a bitch._ Cas got to his feet first and helped Dean up. They shared a long look as they moved to leave Castiel's quarters. Dean reached up to his badge.

 

"Captain to the bridge, what the hell is going on up there!" The comm was laced with static but Sam responded in a desperate voice.

 

"Captain, they're altering course to Vulcan, but we've lost our forward and port shields. Everything else is down to thirty percent, we're venting plasma, and we're almost out of ammo. We just aren't causing enough damage and now we're stuck on impulse."

 

"I'm on my way, keep on them. Get a tractor beam on them if you have to. Do _not_ let him leave." Dean said facing Cas, just outside of his quarters.

 

"Aye Captain." The comm went quiet as the pair locked eyes again. Cas placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder and spoke in a low voice.

 

“He’s wrong about you, Dean.”

 

Again, Dean almost chocked on his words. Dean gulped and got out a sentence.

 

"Get to sick bay. We probably have wounded." Cas nodded. Dean turned away from Cas and started to walk. Before he turned the corner, he glanced back, but Cas was already gone. He wanted to say something, at least about Lucifer and what he did to Cas. But, he couldn’t.

 

Dean took a breath as he sprinted for the turbolift. By the time he got to the bridge, he figured about three more torpedoes had hit. Dean dashed out of the turbolift to a dim bridge. Smoke was seeping out of a console, and the red alert lights flashed and cast an eerie light on the frazzled crew. Sam was shouting orders as another torpedo blasted against the port nacelle.

 

"Charlie, Report!" Dean yelled, jogging to Sam. Charlie scrambled, pressing buttons.

 

“We managed to take out some of his secondary computers, but nothing he can't do without. Now he's stopped. Our nacelles are down. We’re dead in the water and Lucifer isn’t budging. It’s like he’s waiting for us.” Dean wiped a hand over his face.

 

“Lucifer may be a bastard, but he’s one hell of a chess player, too.” Dean said looking to Charlie.

 

“Sir?” She replied.

 

“He’s waiting for our move. Cas and I outsmarted him in Cas’ noodle and now he wants a grudge match.”

 

“Destroying us with no fight would be the cowards win?” Sam said.

 

“Bingo.”

 

“Captain … we don’t have a move.” Jo said. Dean clenched his jaw. He stared at the view screen. It _would_ be easier to give up. They couldn’t fight. They could barely defend themselves. Dean tried to pull options out of the air until he glanced to Sam. It dawned on him that they could give Lucifer exactly what he wanted. The Winchesters. He could pull a move he made back in the Academy, something that made his father cringe.

 

“We got us.” Dean said still looking at Sam.

 

“What?” Sam asked.

 

"Lucifer said that he'll get us one way or another, and that once he does, he's gonna cruise on over to Earth, Vulcan and Betazed and snatch up a couple billion drones. I can't let that happen. We got one play, Sam.” Dean said, crossing his arms.

 

"What is it?”

 

“I hand myself over,” he paused thinking of how much Cas would fight him on this one. “We tell Lucifer we give up. We trick him into thinking our transporters are down. I take the Impala and sail my way on over to Luci’s cube. Then at the last second I ram right into it. With the extra shielding on the Impala’s hull we could land the final blow. Ash could beam me out right before I hit, and meanwhile we’ll need everyone to be working on restoring warp to get us the hell out of here, because if we get stuck in that explosion, we'll be in a world of hurt.”

 

“That’s a suicide mission.” Kevin said.

 

“Not if everyone works together, and even if I go out we take the Borg bastards with us!” Dean said running a hand over his neck.

 

“Dean, you never installed autopilot on the Impala. It would have to be done manually. The chances of getting beamed out on time are zip.” Jo pleaded.

 

“I know, but I did the same thing for my Kobayashi Maru test. It worked. Trust me.” Dean tried his best to plaster a look of optimism to his face. Though he had succeeded in saving his crew back in the Academy, there was something he wasn’t spilling. Something he had to keep from his crew, for their safety. Sam turned back and Dean raised his brows in hope. Sam nodded and looked to the crew.

 

“It’s our only option. Dean’s right, if we work together we’ll make it. Let’s do it.” Sam said.

 

“Atta boy Sammy. Let’s kill us a Borg King!” Dean grinned and turned toward Kevin, ready to open a hailing frequency.

 

“But, you’re not going alone.” Sam added crossing his arms and stepping to intercept Dean.

 

“Sam. No. You stay here.” Dean turned feeling his heart sink.

 

“Dean. He wants both of us. I’m going with you.”

 

Dean sighed. He couldn’t tell Sam why he didn’t want him to come with. Not in front of the crew, not with everyone watching.

 

“Fine.” Dean figured he find someway to get Sam off the shuttle before it was too late.

           

“Dean, at least say something to the crew.” Sam said. Dean turned on his heel. He let his eyes pass over the crew and nodded. He didn’t want to linger too much on his feelings. He touched his badge and spoke.

           

“Captian to the ship. Listen up everyone. I know we’re hurting, but Sam and I have one last go in us. We are gonna need you all behind us. We … we might not make it back from this one. We’re gonna take the impala and give Lucifer what he wants. Us. We need everyone here to get power to the ship so we can get out before it’s too late. Captian out.” Dean turned to Kevin.

 

“Open a hailing frequency to the Borg cube.”

 

“Hailing frequencies open, sir. He’s not responding, but he can hear you.”

 

“Lucifer, this is Captain Winchester speaking. I’ve made a decision.” Dean waited a moment. The screen flashed to life and the dark green glow of the Borg cube cast an eerie light on the bridge. Lucifer stood in the center of his control room and took steps forward.

 

“Have you now? I hope it’s a good one.”

 

“It is.” Dean looked to Sam. “I’ve decided to hand myself and my brother over to you, if and only if you leave Earth and this ship alone.” Sam was trying his hardest to look hurt. The crew looked pained.

 

“Really.” Lucifers eyes trailed over every inch of the bridge. “How can I be sure this isn’t a ruse?”

“Come on now, Lucifer, I wouldn’t kick you when we’re down. Besides, I know what’s at stake here. Two lives for billions. Our transporters are down, so Sam and I will take a shuttle and deliver ourselves to you. Then you leave the alpha quadrant and never come back.” Dean said. Lucifer tilted his head as a grin spread across his face.

 

“Okay.” Lucifer replied. “Besides, there are plenty of other planets I can assimilate. You have thirty minutes. Don’t be late, Dean.” The screen went dark. Dean took a breath and turned back.

 

“Ash, go to yellow alert and call every crew member you can to engineering and get my engine back. Jo, be ready to get this ship out as soon as we crash. Sam prep the transporter with Ash for maximum processing. I’ll go down to the Impala and give her one last checkup. Meet me there in 10 minutes.” Dean paused.

 

 Dean stepped into the turbo lift and looked to the ceiling. He heard a voice in his head - Castiel.

 

“ _What_ _the_ _hell_ _do_ _you_ _think_ _you_ ’ _re_ _doing_?” Dean hung his head and waited. The door opened and he took a step without looking. He was met with something solid. He looked up to meet livid midnight blue eyes.

 

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel said, anger mixed in with every syllable. The one person he didn’t want to deal with, or rather couldn’t deal with.

 

“Cas.” Dean nodded side stepping him, avoiding his gaze.

 

“What are you doing, Dean?” Cas said, following him.

 

“My job.” Dean said, picking up his pace as he walked to the shuttle bay. Castiel, however, kept up with him at every turn.

 

“I do not think Starfleet protocol requires this kind of reckless action. You might not survive this Dean, and in the chance you do, what about the Impala?” Cas was right. The chances of Sam and Dean coming back were slim, Dean knew that. The pair reached the shuttle bay and stepped through the doors.

 

“I can rebuild her, I’ve done it before. Haven't I, baby.” Dean said, patting the hull of the Impala and making a few circles around her, checking her hull. Again, Castiel trailed close behind, trying to get Dean's attention. But, Dean couldn't face Cas. He couldn't face what he read in Castiel's brain. Cas, however, wouldn't let up.

 

“Dean, I can’t rebuild Sam … or you. If Ash fails to bring you back in time … " Dean reached for the Impala hatch. The hatch slowly flipped open as Dean sighed and looked to Cas.

 

“Cas, I know you hate it, and believe me I agree, it's the craziest thing we’ve ever done. But crazy comes with the job, right?” Dean said forcing a smile and stepping into the Impala. Cas shook his head as he followed Dean. Dean sat at the helm and brought the Impala online and started punching buttons, turning his back to Cas who stood in the middle of the Impala, staring daggers at the back of Dean's head.

 

"Dean, please stop joking for one moment and tell me why you're doing this." Cas said, tilting his head.

 

"I already did."

 

"I'm not talking about the Borg." Dean ran a hand over his chin and sighed. His facade was cracking.

 

"You wanna get to the point of this pep-talk then? Lucifer's waiting."

 

Cas took a seat next to Dean and turned the chair to face Dean fully.

 

"I'm talking about this. You’re shutting down already, I can feel it.” Dean looked down.

 

"Cas, I can't." He whispered.

 

"Can't what?" Cas asked, leaning closer to Dean.

 

Dean glanced to Cas, but only for a moment. He knew that if he stared at Cas long enough, it would be all over. There was a laundry list of unsaid feelings floating between them, but Dean refused to deal. Though Dean had glimpsed inside Castiel's brain and saw how he felt about Dean, accepting that on the brink of death seemed like the biggest lie in the universe. Why spill everything if it means Cas will live in turmoil for the rest of his life? Keeping Cas in the dark, Dean decided, was the safest bet.

 

"I can't talk about this." Dean said, checking the weapons supply, looking further away from Castiel. Dean felt a tug on his chair and found himself spinning around to face Cas. Blue eyes stared him down and caught his gaze. _Son of a bitch._ The whispers in Dean's head came back. Now that it was clear as day, and Dean knew what it meant, it was harder to push away.

 

"Why?" Cas asserted, holding Dean's chair in place.

 

Dean shook his head, but kept his eyes steady. He felt his throat close up, and he knew that if he started talking, tears would come. Dean took a breath, and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and wiping his face with his hands. He balled his hands to fists and rested his mouth on them and looked to Cas. Sitting like this, with Castiel's hand mere centimeters from Dean's legs, and nothing separating them but a foot of air and Starfleet Regulation uniforms; it was terrifying. It was like standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, waiting to jump.

 

Except Dean couldn't do it, simply because there was no guarantee that he or Cas would survive the fall. Even though Cas looked at him now like the whole universe revolved around this point in time, he couldn't take that leap.

 

"Because you're right, I might not come back and I just can't." He said looking away again and leaning back in his chair. Cas looked down, and brought his hands back to his own knees. Still looking down, he whispered.

 

"You are … pushing me away so it will hurt less." Dean eyes flicked back up. He could hear the hurt in Cas’s voice and it tore him apart inside. He reached out.

 

"Cas it’s not - ”  Dean started, but Cas interrupted as he stood and took slow steps back to the middle of the Impala.

 

"Dean, I know you, don't pretend like I don't. I know that this is ‘Classic Winchester behavior’, as Charlie calls it. I also know that there’s no way I can talk you out of this. So go be a hero, if you must."

 

Dean couldn't take it. Cas looked completely helpless. It still astonished Dean that Cas could so easily knock Dean out and force him to stay, but he didn't. Instead, he stood staring at the floor waiting and maybe hoping that Dean would stay anyway. But, Dean knew he couldn't do that. He had to go. Dean stood and faced Cas, who watched Dean with melancholy eyes.

 

"I’m not trying to be a hero. I’m trying to do the right thing. Besides, wasn't it your hero who said 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few … or the one'." Dean said biting his lip and raising his brows. Cas lips twitched into a small smile, but it faded quickly as he spoke again, making sure to stare straight at Dean.

 

"If I remember correctly, it was _your_ hero who defied that statement and saved his friend anyway." Dean let out a breath and let his head sway a little. _Friend._ He wanted to laugh at the word. Dean looked down and then to the ceiling, reeling himself back.

 

“Just trust me to do this. Whether I survive or not, I need you to trust me.”

 

“I do, I trust you. I just hope you’re as lucky as Ambassador Spock was all those years ago.” Cas said, squinting at Dean. Dean turned away and gestured to the Impala’s console.

 

“Hey, with my baby at my fingertips and the best crew in the fleet, I got all the luck I need." Dean tried to smile. Cas simply stared at him.

 

Dean glanced to the floor and back to Cas, who still stared. Dean took a step forward, closing the distance between them. He didn’t know what to do, but he didn’t have anything left to say. His body just propelled him forward, until he was inches away from Cas. Dean let his eyes linger on the nuances of Castiel’s face. Dean took note of the way Castiel’s hair curled just so. The eyebrows almost always curved in confusion. The strong line of his jaw. The deep wrinkles and tired eyes.

 

Dean was shaken from his trance when heard another voice, just outside of the Impala. Before he could step away Sam appeared in the hatch. Sam looked down and stood against the hatch-frame. Dean stepped back toward the console as Cas turned toward Sam. Cas nodded at Sam and walked out on the Impala. Sam stood for a moment longer glancing between the two men, before taking his seat next to Dean. Dean felt Sam’s eyes on him and decided to break the silence

 

“Look Sam. You should stay behind.” Dean said.

 

“I already said I’m coming with.”

 

Dean sighed and shook his head.

 

“Fine. Shall we then?”

 

Sam nodded, pressing buttons. Dean let out a breath and tried to not look out the front window. About twenty feet away, Cas stood, just in front of the door waiting with other crewmen. Dean brought the engines to life and gave a final warning to the crew. The crew in the shuttle bay ushered themselves out and stood behind a glass partition, to watch their Captain and First Officer depart. The shuttle bay door opened, and the exterior shields flickered off. The shuttle lifted off the ground and Dean took one last look at his crew. He smiled, only because half of the crewmen were cheering. His smile faded as his gaze landed on Cas. He stood a foot away from the glass and watched as the Impala floated past the shuttle bay doors.

 

Cas stood there, long after the shuttle bay doors finally closed. He only moved when he realized he wanted to be on the bridge, to make sure the Winchester could find there way back home.

* * *

 

_10._

The Impala floated in the light-year long expanse between the Argenteus and the Borg cube. It would still take a good twenty minutes, before they could carry out their plan. Dean and Sam sat in silence, punching buttons. Dean monitored the distance between the shuttle and the Argenteus. The shuttle would be passing the point of no return soon. Dean spoke in a low voice, eyes still trained on the Borg Cube.

 

“You need to get in the escape pod, Sam.”

 

“Dean, for the last time. I’m not going.”

 

“This is a direct order.”

 

“I’ll take the demerit then.”

 

“Sam.”

 

“No, Dean. What is your problem? It doesn’t make any sense for you to go alone. What if Lucifer scans the shuttle and sees you’re the only life sign and our whole plan falls apart. You said this would work.”

 

“My problem is it wont.”

 

“What are you talking about? I thought you passed?”

 

“No, I didn’t. I killed the baddies, and my crew was safe, but I guess Starfleet doesn’t like it when the Captain sacrifices themselves and ends up dead because of a head on collision. They didn’t beam me out in time during the test.”

 

Sam blinked and scoffed.

 

“So you convinced the crew, even though you thought you wouldn’t be coming back.” Sam stared at Dean. Dean looked away. Sam let out a breath and shook his head.

 

“Typical.” Sam mumbled punching more buttons. Dean sighed.

 

“Sam, this is why I didn’t want you to come with me. I knew I wouldn’t make it, but you? There’s still time for you to go back without Lucifer notifcing. Get into an escape-“ Dean said gesturing to the back of the shuttle.

 

“No, Dean. You’re my brother and my captain, and I will follow you into battle, but those people back there? They’re waiting for us to come back, and we _will_ come back. You may not have survived during the Kobayashi Maru, but we have this crew behind us now. You’re acting like we’re already dead. We’re going to survive.” Sam finished, looking to Dean.

 

“Bad things happen Sam. People don’t always survive.” Dean said peering out the window. Sam sighed and turned back to his console. Another minute of silence passed before Sam spoke again.

 

“Did you at least tell him?”

 

"Tell who what?"

 

"Castiel." Dean closed his eyes and felt his stomach turn.

 

"This again, Sammy? We're about to take down the biggest threat to Federation space, and you want to talk about 'feelings'." Dean said, with a furrowed brow.

 

"So you do have feelings for him." Sam leaned back in his chair. Dean looked down and gritted his teeth. He looked to Sam, who raised his eyebrows at him. Dean couldn’t hide from this one, not from Sam. Not this time, so, he gave in. He took a breath and mumbled.

 

“Yes.”

 

Sam rolled his eyes and leaned forward.

 

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

 

“Yes! Sam! Yes, you friggin happy, now? God.” Dean said, almost shouting. He stood and paced to the medical console behind his chair. There was no real reason to go, but Dean figured he should hide from this anyway. Sam turned in his chair and watched as his brother stared at the console.

 

“So, why didn’t you tell him?” Dean rolled his eyes and rested his hands on the console.

 

“I can't do that, Sam. I can't put that on him." He mumbled.

 

"Why not?" Sam asked, shaking his head. Dean turned around and squinted at his brother. He crossed his arms.

 

"What do you mean, ‘Why not?’"

 

"It's three simple words, Dean." Sam said tilting his head.

 

Dean felt his stomach turn to knots. It felt like he wanted to cry, throw-up, and scream all at the same time. This was the last thing he wanted to talk about. Hell, he tiptoed around it with Cas and that was for a reason. Dean shook his head and paced around the cabin.

 

"No it's not. Not in this life it isn't. The life of a Starfleet Officer is about as safe as Kevin Tran in a Klingon Death Match, alright? We know from experience, people die in the line of duty and they leave people behind. Mom died on the job. Same thing could happen to me. This could be it. I can't do that to him. I can't tell him how I feel and have him go off the deep end if something happens to me. He's better off not knowing." Dean sighed.

 

Sam shook his head at Dean.

 

"You think Cas wouldn't be upset if you died now? Even if you didn't tell him how you felt? Like there's some magic switch and all the emotions go away? Sure, Cas is half-Vulcan but nobody is that heartless. You're just being stubborn."

 

“I’m not stubborn. I’m realistic. It's better this way. He can move on.”

 

“No. You’re scared. You’re scared of letting go because bad things happen. Of course death is a constant, but you don’t shut down and act like people don’t care. You missed the point of the Kobayashi Maru when you sacrificed yourself, Dean. You abandoned your crew and you thought they’d be okay without you. I know you’re a noble person, that’s why you’re a good captain; but for some screwed up reason, you think no one will miss you. You really don’t know how important you are, especially to Cas? Everyone sees what you mean to eachother. Even Dad knew. That’s why treats Cas the way he does. He doesn’t want you to go through what he did so he pushes Cas away. He does exactly what you’re doing right now. Classic Winchester behavior apparently.” Dean’s eyes flicked up to Sam.

 

“Dad said that?” Dean asked. _There’s no way Dad said that._ Sam raised his brows and nodded.

 

 “He told me when you graduated. When you went to the hospital after he broke your nose. He fought with you about discipline because he thought he could save you. But, even then Dad knew you were too stubborn to let Cas go. Even though you hide it, he knew it would never go away. He said Mom was the same way.“

 

Dean let out a breath and let his head fall. _Son of a bitch._ All this time, everyone around him had known, and he had been clueless. Dean clenched his jaw as he felt sweat bead on his forehead. He _was_ scared. Jesus, more like terrified. It was like there was something in his throat, begging to come out. It had been resting there making a home for years, but now it was breaking the door down.

 

“It’s too late Sammy. The chances of Ash getting us out in time …”

 

“No it’s not. Look, we can’t hail the Argenteus or Lucifer will know something’s up, but you’ve got that connection to him. Talk to him.”

 

Dean stared at Sam for a moment. He looked down and felt his feet move him forward. Without thinking, he took short strides to the back of the shuttle. He leaned against a bulk head and slid down. He took a breath and looked at the metal around him. Maybe, just maybe, this telepathy thing could work both ways.

_“Cas…Cas can you hear me?”_ His own voice rang through his head.

_“Christ, this is weird.”_ He sighed. He focused on the ship and where Cas would be at this exact moment. The Captain’s chair. He remembered the face he had memorized. The jaw, the hair, the eyes. He pulled at that memory until he heard a distinct ringing in his head.

_“Castiel. Please.”_

 

The ring grew louder and was blended with a muffled voice bouncing around his head. Dean closed his eyes and felt his nails digging into his palms and sweat dripping down his forehead as he concentrated even more, shutting out everything around him - Sam mumbling about trajectories, the whoosh of the engine under his feet, the cool metallic texture of the bulkheads. He pushed it all away and thought about those Vulcan ears and that damn medics coat. He whispered a word. The word that was printed in Castiel's mind.

 

“Imzadi.” Like a firecracker, something went off in his brain, sparking and sizzling, only there was no pain. There was clarity. As the sparks faded he heard a voice, quiet, and trembling.

_“Dean?”_

 

“Cas.” Dean spit out, making Sam turn around in his chair. Dean looked up and huffed a breath of air out. “It worked, Sam it worked.” Sam smiled and turned back to the console.

_“You can hear me, Cas?”_

_“I … yes I can. This is impossible. How are you doing this?”_

_“There’s no time to explain that.” Dean whispered._

_“Dean, you should be at the Borg cube by now. What’s happening.”_

_“I had to talk to you, Cas. I couldn’t leave it the way I did. I was an idiot.”_

_“Are you saying goodbye?”_

_“No Cas, no. There’s something I need to say.  I just-”_ Another firecracker went off. Only this time it was outside of the ship, and it wasn’t a firecracker. It was a photon charge aimed directly at the shuttles nacelles. Smaller Borg cubes started appearing just behind Lucifers, and they were closing in fast.

 

“Dean you’re gonna have to cut your call short. We’ve got company.” Sam yelled. Dean leapt up.

 

“ _Crap,”_ he thought, “ _Cas,  we got more cubes on our tail. We’re gonna need an escort here.”_

_“We’re on our way.”_ Cas said _._ Dean jumped to his chair and started pushing every button.

 

“Computer, Evassive Manuver Delta Six.” Dean spat out.

 

“Dean, they’re trying to cut our engines so we can’t run. If they take out the nacelles-”

 

“Our plan falls apart, got it. Alright, how are shields?” A blast rattled the port side of the shuttle and sent sparks flying behind their heads.

 

“Shields down to 63 percent and dropping. We’re gonna be dead in the water soon Dean.”

_“Where the hell are you, Cas? They’re targeting the engines. Our whole plan is unraveling. Tell me you got something.”_

_“We still have a minute between us, Dean.”_

_“Well think dammit, think.”_

 

“Computer, Evassive Manuver Theta” Sam said.

 

“How are we on shields, Sam?”

 

“Shields at 37 percent and dropping by the second.”

 

“Reroute everything except the engine to shields. Everything, even life support, we won’t need it much longer either way.”

 

“Lucifer’s gotta know something’s up.” Another blast shook their tail as the Borg cubes corralled the shuttle towards Lucifer’s cube.

 

“We’re being hailed. It’s Lucifer.” The brothers traded a look.

 

“Open a channel.” Dean ordered

 

“What are you doing Dean?” Lucifer said, crossing his arms.

 

“You’re the one firing on me.”

 

“You’re evading my cubes. I just want to make sure you don’t escape.”

 

“Oh well that’s fine Luci, but this is my favorite shuttle. It’s my baby. I just don’t want you to ding her up. That’s all.”

 

“You won't need the shuttle once I assimilate you.” The screen went black and 3 photon blasts came hurdling towards the nacelles.

 

“Dean!”

 

“Computer evasive manuv…” Before Dean could get the words out, one blast took out the shields, the next struck the shuttle, head on sending it flying backward, and the last struck the left nacelle, causing a chain explosions, blowing out the engine. Sam and Dean were thrown from their chairs and slammed into the bulkheads.

 

“Son of a bitch!” Dean yelled stumbling to stand. Sam scrambled to his feet but let out a growl when he put weight on his leg. Dean looked down and saw a piece of bulkhead had broken off during the last explosion and launched itself into Sam’s leg. Dean scrambled to Sam and helped him back into the chair.

 

“Put pressure on it, Cas will fix you up if we make it out of this. Reroute everything to impulse power and hull integrity.”

 

“Got it, Dean,” Sam spat.

_“Cas, come on where are you? Sam’s hurt, the engines are gone we barely have impulse. Where’s that cavalry?”_ Silence. A moment passed.

 

“Dean … It's bad.” Sam breathed closing his eyes. Dean looked over to see his brother half-slumped over the console, blood sputtering out of his leg.

 

“Sam stay with me, thats an order! Officer Winchester Wake up, now! Don't you die on me yet Commander!” Dean said, reaching for the med kit behind him, and pulling out a cloth. He stumbled to Sam and tied it around his leg.

 

“Aye Captain.” Sam breathed sitting back up breathing again. A proximity alert flashed to Dean. He sat back at his chair and craned his neck to see out the front window. The cubes were arranged in a horseshoe with Lucifers cube in the center. Out of the corner of Dean’s vision, he could see a flash of light. He turned just as the Argenteus came into view, phasers firing. His badge beeped and a garbled voice came through.

 

“This is the Lieutenant Fitz of the U.S.S Argenteus to the shuttle craft Impala do you read me, Captain?”

 

“You hear that Sammy? We might just win this one.” Dean touched his badge, “I hear you Garth. Please tell me you have something. We’re dead in the water.”

 

“Yes Cap’n I do. I’m going to use the tractor beam to sling shot you into the cube. I’ll only have a few moments to beam you out, though.”

 

“Do it. It’s the only option we have left.”

 

“Captain.” Cas’ voice sounded like music to Dean’s ears. “You said Sam is hurt.”

 

“Yeah, he’s got a piece of metal in his leg, he’s bleeding bad.”

 

“Garth, when you beam them back, beam them directly to sick bay.” Cas said.

 

“Aye.” Garth said. “Capn, we’ll lay down a suppressing fire on the smaller cubes while we get a lock on the shuttle. Stand by.” The line went silent.

 

“Hull integrity is steady and holding. We’ve got impulse but not for long.” Sam said.

 

“Set a course for Luci’s ship. Get as much speed as we can. How are we on weapons?”

 

“We’ve got two torpedoes. Everything else is drained.”

 

“Alright, shoot those off right before we hit the cube. It won’t do much but it’ll at least neutralize the bastards for a second.”

 

“Aye, Captain.” The shuttle shook a bit as the Argenteus flew past it laying down fire on any cube that got close. Cas’s voice jumped back into Dean’s brain.

_“Dean, your chance of survival using the tractor beam is now at 4 percent.”_

_“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Cas.”_

_“I am just informing you-”_

_“Cas, it was a joke.”_

_“I don’t think I will ever understand the human tendency to use humor to deflect fear.”_

_“Well if I we come out of this alive, I’ll teach you. I’m a pro at deflecting.”_ Silence hung again.Garth’s voice broke through on the comm.

 

“We’ve got a tractor beam locked onto you. Hang on tight.”

 

“Got it Garth, we’ll see you soon.” Dean said.

 

“Dean … ” Dean looked to his brother. Sammy lifted a hand and put it on Dean’s shoulder.

 

“Sammy, don’t you start with the goodbyes.” Dean said putting a hand over Sammy’s shoulder. Sam laughed a bit.

 

“Alright, Dean. I won’t.” The brothers held on to each other’s arms as the Argenteus slipped into high Impulse and pulled the shuttle along at a devastating speed.

_“Dean, if you don’t make it.”_ Cas whispered.Dean felt his palms sweat and his heartache. It felt like his skin was about to melt off. Dean glanced down at the console and saw a pool of tears. With his free hand he reached up and felt the wetness of his face. How long had he been crying? How long had it hurt this damn much? How long had he held this down? Cas continued.

_“I refuse to let you go thinking that a good thing never happened to you. And I know you are afraid of this, of us, of letting go. I've known that for years. You don't have to be telepathic to see that. I want you to know exactly how I feel and live in that moment, if it is to be your last. It is only logical.”_

_“Cas-”_

 

_“I love you, Dean.”_

 

Silence.

 

Then fire.

 

The Impala slammed into the wall of the cube and detonated on impact. Inside Lucifer’s  cube, shrapnel flew and an explosion set off by the second torpedo ripped Lucifer a new one. As his neural net failed, so did the smaller cubes. Electric currents spiked and shorted out as the Argenteus slipped into warp drive.

* * *

 

 _11._  

“Ash!” Castiel stood from the Captain’s chair and turned to see the science officer frantically punching buttons.

 

“The cubes are failing as we speak. We got the sons of bitches; but Bobby is having a problem with the transporter. There’s a malfunction in the pattern buffer.” 

 

“What kind of malfunction?” Cas asked pacing to Ash’s console.

 

“I don’t know, the transporter got scrambled on materialization. They should have transported to sick bay, but I’m not reading their signals. Our sensors were damaged in the battle.” Cas tapped his badge.

 

“Bridge to Captain Winchester.” Silence. “Bridge to Commander Winchester, do you read me?” Cas let out a breath and made his way to the turbolift.

 

“Commander Castiel to medics team, meet me in sick bay immediately. Ash you have the bridge.” Castiel ran to the turbo lift and ran once he got off. His head was pounding and he was concentrating as hard as he could on Dean, if he was still alive.

_“Dean … Dean are you there?”_ Castiel made it to the sick bay door and it slid open. Cas closed his eyes and took a breath. He opened them and looked up.

 

There he saw the two brothers, one clutching his leg sitting on a bio bed, the other with a hand on the former’s shoulder. Both looked up. Sam smiled through his pain and Dean let a grin spread on his face.

 

“We made it.” Sam winced. Cas reached up to his badge and spoke.

 

“Castiel to the crew, Sam and Dean are alive.”

 

Cas closed the distance between them. He placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder and nodded. He looked to Dean, moved his hand to Dean’s shoulder and pulled him into a hug. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and squeezed him.

 

"Sorry to break this up but … this kinda hurts." Sam said.

 

"Yes, of course Sam." Cas reached for an anesthetic and hyposprayed Sam, relieving his pain. Dean kept a hand firmly on Sam’s shoulder as the Cas started to work on Sam’s leg. Dean found himself staring at Cas too. Not the normal, innocent, sneaky staring, but blatant, purposeful staring. Dean just couldn’t look away, even when the medics finally filed in and scooted Dean out of the way to help Sam. The procedure was quick and painless. In minutes, Cas had pulled the piece of shrapnel out of Sam’s leg.

 

"I will be right back. I must dispose of this." Cas said taking the shrapnel and walking to a small storage room behind his office. Dean followed in silence and watched as Cas reached for a disposal drawer and scooted the shrapnel in. He closed the drawer and pressed a button that dissolved the shrapnel. Cas stood there for a moment, back still to Dean.

 

"Hello Dean." He said. He turned and tilted his head. Dean looked down and back up to Cas.

 

“Heya Cas.” He replied. Dean bit his lip. He followed Cas to say something, anything. Now standing there, he drew a blank. Cas finally broke the silence.

 

“Dean, how did you reverse the telepathy? In all honesty, it shouldn’t work. A human reversing a telepathic link is unheard of.” Dean tilted his head shrugged.

 

“I concentrated, and said a word.” He said.

 

“What word could possibly change - ” Cas started, but Dean interrupted.

 

“Imzadi.”

 

Cas’s eyes widened and he searched Dean’s face.

 

“How do you know that word?” He said, taking a step toward Dean. Dean looked down and spoke in a low voice.

 

“I read it, in your noodle, during the mind meld. I saw my book and I -”

 

“You read that?” Cas said cutting in, still staring at Dean. Dean threw his hands up, thinking Cas was offended.

 

“I’m sorry, man. It was selfish and dumb and -” Cas shook his head.

 

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

 

Dean scoffed and ran a hand over his face. 

 

“What should I have said Cas, ‘By the way while you were being ripped apart nerve by nerve by your own brother, I snooped around in your memory. Sorry!’ Besides, that entry was during the Academy, why didn’t _you_ say anything?”

 

Cas looked down and nodded.

 

“Because I know you, Dean.”

 

Dean looked around and shook his head. He crossed his arms and cocked his head to one side.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean.”

 

“I mean no offense. It means that even if I had told you about what I learned on my away mission when we were still in the Academy, you would have shut down. You had a lot of growing to do. So did I. We were both operating in the shadows of other people. I will admit, I was … scared.”

 

Dean blinked at Cas. Sure, the guy had had some crying fits in his time, but they were few and far between. Dean never thought Cas was scared.

 

“You, scared?”

 

“Dean, you’ve seen me at my worst. You’ve seen me scared, you just didn’t realize it.”

 

“When we’re you scared?”

 

“When I … when Lucifer killed Samandriel. When Lucifer found us again and was gaining control over me. When I saw you on the moon half dead after facing the Romulan. You we’re wounded, by all accounts, you should have died on that moon. Just before the crash. We didn’t know if you had made it or not. I’ve never been more scared in my life. Terror is a constant for everyone, not just humans. Vulcans feel it too, It never leaves me. It doesn’t leave anyone”

 

Dean stared at Cas until Cas stared right back at him.

 

“When did you become such an expert on emotions?”

 

“When a human became my best friend. He taught me more about humanity than the Academy could ever teach me.”

 

Dean forced a laugh and swayed a bit.

 

“I’m not that great of a teacher, Cas. I mean, have you met me?”

 

Cas took another step closer to Dean and raised a finger to him.

 

“Don’t talk about yourself like that aroud me anymore. I will not allow it.”

 

Dean blinked a few times and grinned. He crossed his arms.

 

“Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it, Doc?”

 

Cas tilted his head and shrugged. He took steps toward Dean until they were toe to toe. He peered at Dean and leaned in.

 

“This.” He whispered before letting his lips brush against Dean’s. It was a quick and simple kiss, but Dean felt his eyes widen and his heart skip a beat. Dean was frozen but he could feel his heart begin to burn in his chest, melting everything away. He stared at Cas as he felt his arms tense up. Cas stared at Dean a moment and squinted. He took a step back and looked to the ground.

 

“If,” Cas paused looking down and shuffling in his place. “If that was too forward, or I was wrong to assume reciprocation, I apologize. You are still my Captain. I should have known, it’s a breech of protoc-” Cas started rambling, but Dean cut in.

 

“Cas,” Dean paused closing the distance between the two again. “You’re an idiot.” Dean whispered as he lifted his hands to Cas’s face. He pulled Cas until their lips found eachother again. This time, Cas was the one who froze. As their lips glided together, every tense thought, all feelings of dread dissipated. This kiss, was complicated - full of history, full of sixteen damn long years. The familiar whisper in Dean’s mind came back, but this time, it was softer, like a melody in the back of Dean’s head.

 

Dean pulled back and rested his forehead on Cas's. That's when he saw it, the thing he'd been waiting for, for years. A smile stretched on Castiel's face.

 

Not a cheeky little up turn of the lips, but a full ear to ear smile.

 

Dean couldn't let this moment go. He couldn't let it pass him by. He wanted this memory, this moment, to be around for as long as their journey let them live. For as long as he Captained a starship. He wanted to remember the warmth that washed over him. It was like a sun rested in Castiel's mouth and the beams of light cast out onto Dean through his smile. Dean felt … good. Sure he was still scared, but he felt like his life wasn't a hand me down gift given to the wrong person, because _this_ was his. This moment, this smile, that was for him. For once in a long time; maybe ever; Dean felt _really_ good. When Castiel's smile started to fade, Dean grabbed him by the shoulders.

 

"Come here." Dean mumbled pulling Cas to a display on the far wall.

 

"Why?"

 

"Just do it. Computer, activate camera mode on this display and save the image to the Captain's database. Begin a twenty second countdown to capture an image now." The computer beeped and the pair’s reflection stared back at them. Dean couldn’t help but laugh at the look on Castiel's face alone. It was a mix of the previous smile, bewilderment, and fear.

 

"You're taking a picture. Why?" Cas asked. Dean paused for a moment and looked to Castiel.

 

"You hang on to a moment like this, Cas. Trust me. This way, it’ll last forever.” Dean said, almost in a whisper. "Now, smile for the camera!" Dean said whipping back to the display, throwing on a goofy grin and slinging an arm around Castiel's shoulder.

_"I believe you should retract your previous statement, Dean. I believe_ you _are the idiot."_ Cas said in Dean's mind as he turned to the display; smile widening.

_"I know Cas, I know."_ Dean replied.

_Telepathy man,_ Dean mused as the display flashed capturing the image _. Never gets old._

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my awesome beta reader Jennifer and my amazing artist Angela. Thanks to my friends who encouraged me along the way. Another special thanks to Liz for helping me out. Thank you for helping me to bring my two loves together.
> 
> -Marissa


End file.
